Rethinking about Marriage Problem

by nuzuli ziadatun ni'mah


Oh wait, why do I call it as a ‘problem’? Does marriage lead to more problems? Or I am just really not sure what and how marriage is and will be? Okay, let’s call it marriage issue.

Recently in my mind, while my age is heading to a quarter of a century, I am becoming more confused about everything around. What kind of the world that I live in? What is this and that, what will happen, what happen in the land overseas? Really so many questions that stay to be answered. Or, maybe those questions really not meant to be answered as well? It’s kind of weird, while other people at my age is about to have their first baby, I am still in the stage of questioning about marriage! Even my younger sister have already had one and I’m still questioning and not sure about anything.

Every determinism is quite non-sense today, that I think that every possibility will actually bring me to the mighty nothingness. Looks like every possibility is just kind of another hope to make us sure that life is worth to be lived, but there’s nothing better in the objective meaning of ‘better’. Ah, before, should we ask that is there really an objective meaning? Hahaha.

Sering sekali saya merasa harus semakin sadar diri akan berbagai hal yang terjadi di dalam diri saya. Sebagaimana saya percaya bahwa setiap kesulitan dan kemudahan hidup memang bersumber dari diri sendiri, maka begitu juga pertanyaan harus dikembalikan ke dalam diri kita sedalam mungkin. Persoalan memandang pernikahan ini begitu penting bagi saya, karena hingga hari ini saya belum melewati proses bertemu, berkeyakinan, berencana, bersetuju, dan akhirnya berdampingan. Dalam kamus hidup saya, belum pernah saya temui seseorang yang merelakan dirinya menjadi ‘kita’, sebuah terminologi yang tidak lekat dengan diri saya.

Sepertinya, persoalan yang menjadi beban pikiran saya erat hubungannya dengan segala hal yang menjadi impuls, entah itu dalam bentuk visual, audio, sentuhan, gerak, atau segala wujud dari impuls itu. Maka, reaksi otak juga menjadi cenderung bergantung pada impuls tersebut, meski tidak selalu demikian. Pada masanya, saya mengalami ketenangan seorang yang siap moksa, saat berikutnya saya diporak-porandakan oleh hal-hal serba duniawi, lalu hilang ditelan kesepian dan ketidakbermaknaan.

In some moments, I just want to cry so hard that finally there’s nothing left to cried. To throw away the sadness and the nothingness followed, to seek the happiness and hope once more and make sure that life goes on no matter happen.

I repeatedly assured myself, that to love is not about having him around or living together in the future. Maybe sometime we could have a journey out to nowhere together, but to be married? Yeah, marriage leaves a question about asking and answering. Is not because I didn’t want to take a chance in asking first to be together, but really because I always think that I don’t deserve to.

The more I give time to this matter, the more I weep, the more I drop to nothingness. Indeed, live’s not only about love to someone, it can be to every person we met, or everything around. But simply because you couldn’t lie to yourself that the possibility of not being together with someone that you really think you love really makes us sad. Seeing that someone laugh, or doing something he likes is just make me touched and something lead me to shed a tear. What a weak heart that I have.

Hanya buku-buku yang akhirnya menjadi tujuan akhir dari kegamangan yang begitu mencekat, seolah dengan melakukannya saya akan kembali baik-baik saja dan segalanya tampak sekali lagi menjadi indah. Melaluinya saya melakukan begitu banyak dialog, baik dengan diri sendiri atau dengan teksnya. Pada akhirnya, masih juga saya akan mencapai kesedihan yang sama, kekosongan yang sama, kesepian yang sama.

And it repeatedly happened to me. Just to make me aware that nothingness and loneliness are the final stages that I have to understand. Just after those understanding, I will see the world in the more positive perspective.

Soal pernikahan, lagi-lagi semakin saya memikirkan maka semakin jauh saya dari jawaban. Sering kali saya merasa terlalu overthinking dan overlove. Tapi apakah keduanya salah? Menjadi salah ketika seseorang yang kau pikir kau cintai merasa terganggu dengan semua perhatian-perhatian itu, semakin lalu juga kau akan merasa tidak berguna. Ya, lagi-lagi tidak ada jawaban yang dengan sendirinya tampil menyajikan diri, setiap halnya harus dicari dan ditelusuri begitu dalam sampai kita bahkan ragu apakah yang kita pikirkan sungguh berguna atau tidak.

I’m always happy seeing my friend finally getting married or find someone who loves them as much as they do. But the image of having a happy marriage slowly fade away, and the more I think, the more I believe that marriage will be awful and wonderful at the same time. The loneliness and the nothingness maybe remain the same, but finding someone who will be lived those two together sounds really wonderful in mind.

Finally, on rethinking about this marriage issue, nothing that I can do but wait and see. Nor because I don’t believe in myself, nor because I don’t want to ask someone it the first place, but simply because I once have loved someone and I couldn’t make it, so I want to see if someone would in surprise do the same to me. Maybe, at that time I will finally know the struggle of being loved by someone, so painfully wonderful.

At the end, I cried when I wanted to, I laughed if I had to, I left if I must, I came if I needed, and lived well while being honest to myself. ‘No need to be so hard to yourself’, one day someone said those sentence. But having a hard day is a must to make us understand that there are some other days that worth to remember. No need to refuse the fact that sometimes my heart is so weak that nothing so worth thinking but death because there will be days that my heart strong enough to up against the pain. A human at the end will just be a human.

Finally, the imaginary marriage life soon I put down deep in my heart and been more realistic that to marry someone, you need two persons in agreement. Here, I am still the one who could give, but not take.

wordsflow

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