I feel really hard to admit that actually, I hate to discuss something with a person who knows almost everything, even to the one who is a friend, or even a close friend! Not really to say that they are really judgmental about me, but I just feel like I’m nervous when I start to say a word. It happens all the times, every time I have something very interesting to discuss with someone.
But then, I thought that I need to figure out why it did happen to me. I saw many friends not doing the same, they could talk easily with others and discuss whatever they wanted to. Just as simple as saying hello when we met for the first time. (even not all people did this, lol)
Firstly, I think I need to ask myself why I have the feeling instead of just do it.
I know that I do not really believe in people. I have doubts about every single thing people did to me or with me. There were some thoughts on every practice I was doing. I know that it was only thought, but that feeling was really being there and I mostly did not enjoy the conversation while having such a bad thought. Yet, the conversation kept going even though I thought that way. The partner itself might never realize that I had the thought behind, but the feeling of discomfort kept linger in my heart. Later, I felt too fake to be a friend of someone.
But that one is another thing, right? Yeah, and that is a context of this topic before analyzing the main question.
Really weird that I’m doing it publicly, and not really bother with that.
Every conversation then, really not going well I think, because I was too overthinking about it, I just got really uncomfortable. What happened next was what everybody might know, no more topic to discuss, then the conversation finished right away.
It might be the main reason for my behavior. Because I tend to feel insecure and always overthinking instead of just enjoy the conversation as it was, I was never really going well with conversations with people. Lol, really stupid doing those things all these time.
When I meet a new person, I thought I acted differently. Not sure that other people doing the same or not, but I would just stare at the person and listen to the things he/she was talking about. As the conversation continued, little by little the subject revealed his/herself to the people around.
And I did realize that it was how others saw us for the first time or every time they met us after. We tend to analyze our partner every single time we met them. Gradually those understanding change my own habit when talking to people or had either formal or informal conversation. Not to every person I did that, I have to say that I have a kind of rank in my mind about the people that always make me nervous every time I talk to them. That never changes.
But there were moments I did really enjoy talking with them just as I randomly writing something here. Maybe as I grew up, the insecurity felt more real than it is.
Yeah, still I don’t want this writing to become soo gloomy on this cloudy day. To have those feelings is something that I have to admit and I really think I should tell people. But I prefer to just enjoy everything that happens and yeah, just as it is. No thought behind and expectations ahead. Simple, yet not really easy to do.
You are so hard and so strong in term of your decisions! You are possessive. You have some anger. You do care of others but not more than you. You have some ego as well.
That is how they say about me. I’m still not sure about that, but I have to admit that yes, I’ve realized quite long ago that I’m hard and possessive, yet I keep some anger inside. To accept myself with what people told me is not really easy to do, and we all face that, right? Really interesting actually, and I do really happy that there are words I could write to tell people the anxiety I keep in my heart.
Or maybe, I do not really hate to discuss something with a person who knows almost everything. I merely hate for not be replyed in the way I feel comfortable with; in a natural flow of conversation, in non-dominating one, or let’s just be in a silent moment. And those are merely words! Yet sometimes I hate it so much. Hahaha.
When I have so many topics in my mind to discuss with, I never really find a person which I thought would match to such a topic. Then, I just randomly pick someone to talk about it and at the end, I found no conclusion or a wider perspective about it. I should have been discussed it with someone who knows almost everything but really worrying that I’ll just like asking nonsense. The struggle is real, my friend. And though I sometimes finally made it, the thought of people’s appraisal about me always disturb the calm mind. Huft, so tiring.
I learned from another person about this non-overthinking mindset when having a conversation with someone. I thought I never meet such a pure-hearted person like her. I do admire her, and as a partner, I feel shame for thinking a bad thought about her. And I’m happy I never had one.
To realize it, I know there are still expectations in my mind. They are not gone away the time I wanted to run away from them. Hahaha.
And in this morning, a junior said; “Mbak, I need someone who always appreciated my works, not the one who only gives advice but actually put more tension on me.”
“And how do you think about me?”
“Yeah, to be honest, you are more careless and that’s good but not really motivating me.”
Yeah, I’ve been too long thinking too much about myself; being such an egoistic girl. Never mention any subject except myself, and tend to pretend as a center of my own world. No, I should not do it anymore. Yeah, maybe I should just wake up from being a daydreamer and do something instead. Maybe I just should deal and overcome all those worries and anxiety. Then living in a peace.
To think about it again, I always love to be appreciated by others, I just tend to think bad about what if those appreciations might never come from their hearts. But actually, the more important thing is they gave some appreciations, right?
And you see, how fragile a human heart is.