just go with the flow and whatever happens, happens

Category: on Life

When you hate to discuss something with a person who knows almost everything.

I feel really hard to admit that actually, I hate to discuss something with a person who knows almost everything, even to the one who is a friend, or even a close friend! Not really to say that they are really judgmental about me, but I just feel like I’m nervous when I start to say a word. It happens all the times, every time I have something very interesting to discuss with someone.

But then, I thought that I need to figure out why it did happen to me. I saw many friends not doing the same, they could talk easily with others and discuss whatever they wanted to. Just as simple as saying hello when we met for the first time. (even not all people did this, lol)

Firstly, I think I need to ask myself why I have the feeling instead of just do it.

I know that I do not really believe in people. I have doubts about every single thing people did to me or with me. There were some thoughts on every practice I was doing. I know that it was only thought, but that feeling was really being there and I mostly did not enjoy the conversation while having such a bad thought. Yet, the conversation kept going even though I thought that way. The partner itself might never realize that I had the thought behind, but the feeling of discomfort kept linger in my heart. Later, I felt too fake to be a friend of someone.

But that one is another thing, right? Yeah, and that is a context of this topic before analyzing the main question.

Really weird that I’m doing it publicly, and not really bother with that.

Every conversation then, really not going well I think, because I was too overthinking about it, I just got really uncomfortable. What happened next was what everybody might know, no more topic to discuss, then the conversation finished right away.

It might be the main reason for my behavior. Because I tend to feel insecure and always overthinking instead of just enjoy the conversation as it was, I was never really going well with conversations with people. Lol, really stupid doing those things all these time.

When I meet a new person, I thought I acted differently. Not sure that other people doing the same or not, but I would just stare at the person and listen to the things he/she was talking about. As the conversation continued, little by little the subject revealed his/herself to the people around.

And I did realize that it was how others saw us for the first time or every time they met us after. We tend to analyze our partner every single time we met them. Gradually those understanding change my own habit when talking to people or had either formal or informal conversation. Not to every person I did that, I have to say that I have a kind of rank in my mind about the people that always make me nervous every time I talk to them. That never changes.

But there were moments I did really enjoy talking with them just as I randomly writing something here. Maybe as I grew up, the insecurity felt more real than it is.

Yeah, still I don’t want this writing to become soo gloomy on this cloudy day. To have those feelings is something that I have to admit and I really think I should tell people. But I prefer to just enjoy everything that happens and yeah, just as it is. No thought behind and expectations ahead. Simple, yet not really easy to do.

You are so hard and so strong in term of your decisions! You are possessive. You have some anger. You do care of others but not more than you. You have some ego as well.

That is how they say about me. I’m still not sure about that, but I have to admit that yes, I’ve realized quite long ago that I’m hard and possessive, yet I keep some anger inside. To accept myself with what people told me is not really easy to do, and we all face that, right? Really interesting actually, and I do really happy that there are words I could write to tell people the anxiety I keep in my heart.

Or maybe, I do not really hate to discuss something with a person who knows almost everything. I merely hate for not be replyed in the way I feel comfortable with; in a natural flow of conversation, in non-dominating one, or let’s just be in a silent moment. And those are merely words! Yet sometimes I hate it so much. Hahaha.

When I have so many topics in my mind to discuss with, I never really find a person which I thought would match to such a topic. Then, I just randomly pick someone to talk about it and at the end, I found no conclusion or a wider perspective about it. I should have been discussed it with someone who knows almost everything but really worrying that I’ll just like asking nonsense. The struggle is real, my friend. And though I sometimes finally made it, the thought of people’s appraisal about me always disturb the calm mind. Huft, so tiring.

I learned from another person about this non-overthinking mindset when having a conversation with someone. I thought I never meet such a pure-hearted person like her. I do admire her, and as a partner, I feel shame for thinking a bad thought about her. And I’m happy I never had one.

To realize it, I know there are still expectations in my mind. They are not gone away the time I wanted to run away from them. Hahaha.

And in this morning, a junior said; “Mbak, I need someone who always appreciated my works, not the one who only gives advice but actually put more tension on me.”

“And how do you think about me?”

“Yeah, to be honest, you are more careless and that’s good but not really motivating me.”

Yeah, I’ve been too long thinking too much about myself; being such an egoistic girl. Never mention any subject except myself, and tend to pretend as a center of my own world. No, I should not do it anymore. Yeah, maybe I should just wake up from being a daydreamer and do something instead. Maybe I just should deal and overcome all those worries and anxiety. Then living in a peace.

To think about it again, I always love to be appreciated by others, I just tend to think bad about what if those appreciations might never come from their hearts. But actually, the more important thing is they gave some appreciations, right?

And you see, how fragile a human heart is.



Respect the little things

And we begin to forget how to respect the little things, right?

Like, how to say ‘hi’ to the people we meet for the first time, or how to thank them for everything they did. How to use the natural resources wisely. How to keep everything neat. How to really know the things we ate and threw away. How to always finish the food we took. And so many questions after.

Somehow I think that this lack of respect drive every thing after.

Ada cukup banyak hal yang mungkin bisa kita bahas mengenai hal ini. Tentu saja ada banyak hal yang bisa sama-sama kita sanggah atau ragukan. But the doing always been in a different dimension with the understanding. And there is a distinction between those two. People may do without understanding the bigger impact of their works, but other will be busy thinking about how to but never really try to begin.

A quote says, “If you fear to jump in to the water, the fear itself only exist the moment you jump. Else, you’ll only been trapped standing beside the river side and been doing nothing.”

And how hard to begin something.

Dalam beberapa pertanyaan awal yang saya ajukan mengenai sebuah riset yang sedang saya kerjakan saat ini, seorang narasumber mengatakan bahwa, “Ngajarin tuh gampang mbak nek wong e wis respek sik. Lha iki duwe respek we ora, piye le arep ngerti”.

Respect maybe means like to open your heart so you could accept the things coming from other places. So, without the open hearted perspective, the things would never come inside.

Barangkali ada juga cita-cita di dalam diri saya untuk berkehidupan dengan lebih baik. Mencoba untuk merawat berbagai hal yang ada di sekitar saya. I would not say that it is hard to do, because yes, the beginning is maybe the hardest part, but to keep constantly doing and come to the goal, that’s also not easier to do.

And maybe all these time I always think in the negative tendency instead of thinking positively, like beside those bad things happen to anyone or any moments, there is actually a benefit. Everything happen for a reason, that’s how someone ever said, and I should have believed that.

Hanya dengan terus berpikir bahwa sesuatu itu memang buruk, maka memang itu yang akan terus kita yakini tanpa pernah menemukan sesuatu yang baik di dalamnya. Dan lagi-lagi, terus-terusan, saya pikir menuliskan hal semacam ini tidak lantas secara langsung berimplikasi pada praktiknya. Ada faktor-faktor yang barangkali membuat sesuatu itu tidak terjadi. But it’s not for you, whoever read this one.

Nah, mari masuk ke bagian yang saya maksudkan dari tulisan ini. Masih melanjutkan dari episode tulisan sebelumnya, what do I meant about respecting little things?

Selalu harus saya ulangi untuk mengingatkan bahwa tulisan ini tentu saja sesuatu yang sifatnya adalah pengingat untuk diri sendiri karena begitu sulit untuk terus mengingatkan diri sendiri bahwa segala hal itu begini dan begitu. Dan tentu saja, ada terlalu banyak hal-hal kecil yang akan selalu tidak tampak kecuali kita cukup mampu untuk bersabar, untuk teliti, dan untuk teguh dalam mengolah rasa. Baiknya tentu saja, kita terus sama-sama belajar.

Become a vegetarian; an example

Mudah sekali bagi kita untuk membercandai sesuatu yang barangkali permasalahan itu sangat serius untuk orang lain. Ada sangat banyak contoh yang saya lakukan ketika membercandai orang lain dengan hal yang sangat pribadi tentang mereka.

They said that growing is once you could make fun of your problems? No, that’s not gonna happen to all.

Ada hal-hal yang barangkali akan terus menjadi hal yang sangat serius berapa kalipun kita bercanda tentang hal itu, berapa kalipun kita tertawa tentang hal itu, nilai keseriusannya tidak akan pernah berubah untuk orang-orang tertentu. (Hemm, saya ragu orang akan paham maksud pikiran saya di tulisan ini, hahaha)

Seorang teman saya mengatakan bahwa dirinya vegetarian. And there is a big difference between vegan and vegetarian. The moment I met her, I learnt the differences. We often stereotyping something in the way we thought it’s true, but that’s not. Some people really tried so hard to reduce negative impact to our environment, and others tried to make it even better.


The movement

Ada cukup banyak organisasi di Jogja yang berkecimpung di berbagai bidang atas nama pergerakan, pemberdayaan, atau apapun bentuknya. Saking banyaknya, saya barangkali tidak akan mampu menyebutkan semuanya atau akan salah-salah juga menyebutnya, hehe. Begitu banyaknya itu, kadang ada hal-hal yang membuat saya menyayangkan relasi yang terjalin antara masing-masing komunitas.

Saya cukup paham bahwa setiap komunitas akan memiliki dasar ideologi yang berbeda, bahkan barangkali dasar epistemologis yang juga sangat berbeda dalam melihat berbagai permasalahan di sekitarnya. Bentuk komunitas itu tentu saja juga berlainan karena aktivitas yang dijalani juga tidak sama.

Tapi kadang kala saya menyayangkan bagaimana setiap masing-masingnya melihat satu sama lain. Beberapa kali bertemu dengan komunitas yang berbeda, saya pikir ada identitas atau kebanggaan yang coba diangkat oleh masing komunitas itu. Tidak salah tentu saja, hanya dengan itu pula setiap orang akan bisa bertahan di tengah perputaran dunia yang semakin tidak tentu arahnya ini. Hanya saja, akhirnya yang dibahas dari komunitas lain selalu hanya bagian jeleknya saja, hahaha.

Oke, mau dikata itu sebuah kritik yang membangun? Boleh. Atau dibilang hal-hal semacam itu berguna untuk mempercekaya cara pandang kita? Boleh.

Tapi ada seseorang yang kemarin siang ngomel, “Yo mendinglah kita ki gawe sesuatu, ana manfaate nggo wong-wong, tur lingkungane dadi resik. Wong kok gaweane golek salahe.” Hemm, menohok sekali, hahaha.

We often forget to respect a little thing people done to ourselves, to the surrounding, to the nature, and beyond, to the future. We lack of respect and feel more enjoy to laugh over it, or seek for their mistakes. More, we often forget that there are people who never give up on us no matter happen. And that is something for me.

And somehow I feel bad for the things I’ve been doing all these time, that I was not really pay attention to every little thing around me.

And so, I think I should thank you for your patience on me.



Huft. Maafkan saya menghela napas sebentar.

Barangkali urusan kerumahtanggaan personal saya menjadi hal yang cukup mendominasi sejak lulus kuliah dan memutuskan untuk mencoba bertahan hidup seorang diri. Tentu saja saya belum sepenuhnya terpisah dari orang tua. Lha mereka aja jaraknya cuma 30 km dari domisili saya selama ini. Akses komunikasi atau apapun lancar jaya. Jadi yah, saya masih dalam tahap mencoba untuk bertahan hidup sendiri. Well, to begin is the most difficult part of doing. Hahaha.

Being rich and financially secure are two different things.

Mari mulai dengan premis itu. Manakala ketika tahu saya melanjutkan studi master, barangkali tidak sedikit yang bertanya dari mana biaya kuliah saya? Hemm, semua pendanaan itu datang dari emak dan bapak saya yang penyayang. Bukan tidak pernah saya bermaksud untuk mencari sumber dana lain. Namun mencari orang yang mau memberi beasiswa lintas jurusan itu sulit, dan apa juga untungnya untuk mereka.

But that’s not the pledoi. There are many who put much effort to get those scholarships to continue their study. I also one of them, yet I tried and failed.

Sisanya, cukup banyak hal yang saya lakukan untuk mencoba bertahan hidup. Saya pernah dua kali bekerja. Keduanya bukan jenis pekerjaan yang bisa membuat saya kaya dalam waktu singkat. Jika diingat kembali, cukup banyak momen saat saya bertanya ke diri sendiri untuk apa mengambil pekerjaan tidak berduit itu? Tapi dua pekerjaan itu menyenangkan ketika dijalani, ya di samping drama-drama yang tidak masuk akal itu sih. Dan meskipun pada akhirnya lebih banyak ruginya, saya pikir life lessonnya sangat berguna untuk membantu hidup saya setelah itu dan di waktu yang akan datang.

Lalu akhirnya sampailah saya pada masa akhir studi master saya. Ya belum akhir banget sih, menjelang laah. Saya mengajukan dua pertanyaan penting untuk menghadapi masa depan yang tidak tentu. Pertama; do I meant to become rich or financially secure?

I looked up into my bank account. Quite amazed with the transaction record. Barangkali karena saya juga berbisnis, jadi hal-hal yang semu semacam pembayaran transit juga jadi masuk riwayat transaksi. Padahal itu semu belaka, hahaha. I tried to set a goal and manage more detail about every transaction. Tapi lagi-lagi ada cukup banyak pertimbangan soal bagaimana cara saya memperlakukan uang atau mengalokasikannya untuk berbagai kebutuhan.

Jumlahnya sendiri kadang begitu semu, sehingga ketika melihat bahwa riwayat transaksi begitu banyak, akhirnya berpikir ulang soal bagaimana cara saya membelanjakan uang-uang itu. Atau sebaliknya, ketika saya harus menyimpannya, bagaimana saya berstrategi dengan perubahan nilai uang?

Pada akhirnya kemampuan financial saya pikir agak berjarak dengan kemampuan bertahan hidup seseorang.

Saya berpikir kembali mengapa pekerjaan sebagai pegawai negeri begitu menarik untuk orang tua yang hidup pada periode Orba. Bahkan bercita-cita sebagai pegawai negeri diupayakan untuk diturunkan ke para anak yang mana adalah generasi saya dan kawan-kawan. Tentu saja di samping pekerjaannya yang mungkin membosankan dan monoton, mereka memiliki jaminan hidup hingga akhir hayat, bahkan jaminan agar anak-anak mereka dapat sekolah pun sudah di tangan. Pekerjaan yang menawarkan sekuritas semacam itu menjadi hal yang begitu melegakan di tengah ketidakpastian masa depan.

Hal-hal serupa sebetulnya juga terjadi ke generasi manapun setelahnya. Polanya saja yang berbeda. Memilih pekerjaan bukan hanya perkara hal-hal yang sesuai dengan passion, memilih satu di antara begitu banyak pekerjaan juga lantas berurusan dengan persoalan masa depan. Tidak banyak pekerjaan yang berani menjamin keberlangsungan hidup sebagaimana yang bisa ditawarkan oleh pekerjaan dari negara. Oleh karenanya, pekerjaan itu tetap menjadi barang populer meskipun ada sedikit pergeseran pola kerja saat ini.

Demikian, antara memilih untuk menjadi kaya, orang cenderung lebih memilih untuk memastikan bahwa masa depannya aman. Jikalau ada keberuntungan untuk menjadi kaya pada suatu waktu, akan ada upaya-upaya persiapan yang dilakukan untuk memastikan bahwa masa depan menjadi lebih ‘cerah’. Boleh jadi membeli tanah atau membuat usaha menjadi pilihan yang baik dibandingkan pilihan lain.

Tapi saya tidak akan mengeneralisir. Saya paham bahwa setiap orang, atau setiap keluarga memiliki preferensi yang berbeda soal bagaimana cara terbaik dalam menjalani hidupnya. Dan hal-hal yang saya utarakan adalah satu di antara banyak, atau satu di antara beberapa hal yang disarankan orang-orang untuk saya jalani.

Kedua, what do I want for my future?

Ini pertanyaan ultra klasik yang berulang kali saya tanyakan, dan sering kali pula saya tuliskan di blog ini. Tapi mari mengaitkannya dengan urusan finansial ini karena mau tidak mau, suka tidak suka, what I want to do imply to something I’ll gain. Memilih pekerjaan (dalam arti luas; segala hal yang dikerjakan) dapat begitu problematik untuk orang macam saya. Cukup banyak hobi yang masih saya tekuni, tapi ada beberapa hal besar yang sedang coba untuk diupayakan.

Perkaranya, kadang dengan porsi waktu yang cukup layak untuk dialokasikan ke kedua hal itu, saya masih mempertanyakan haruskah saya memilih satu di antara keduanya? Di satu sisi si hobi dan kawan-kawannya membantu saya menjalani hari-hari dengan lebih menyenangkan dan ceria. Di satu sisi, hal-hal besar yang saya inginkan membutuhkan konsentrasi yang sebaiknya tidak dibagi dengan urusan orderan, bikin buku, ngirim paket, dst.

Ya, mungkin teman-teman akan bilang kalau bisa saja waktu itu dibagi dengan cara lain, misalnya dengan penjadwalan harian atau sejenisnya. Lagi-lagi, mood lebih sering tidak berhasil disetting dengan cara demikian. Ada masanya saya segar bugar hingga segala hal dalam sehari rampung dengan apik. Tapia da waktu saya tidak mengeluarkan upaya apapun untuk melawan rasa malas. Akhirnya hanya berkubang dengan pikiran ‘oh, aku harus melakukan sesuatu, tapi kasur ini enak banget’.

But after thinking those ways. I am not really think about it. I like surprises, and really looking forward to find one that could lead me to the joys I’m looking for. Kedua pertanyaan itu tentu masih berjalan beriringan seiring dengan semakin tuanya saya. Beberapa kawan lama yang tiba-tiba datang kembali, atau beberapa kawan tidak terlalu lama yang ternyata berpisah lebih awal memberi cukup banyak gambaran soal how’s the rule of living, or what kind of strategy that fits well with my life pattern.

Urusan finansial ini juga masih menjadi lahan peperangan yang asik because I haven’t come to the secure line, hehe. But I learnt something from the struggle to achieve the financial security goal. Sometime I ask myself; do I made a wrong decision? But there is no wrong turn in life. Only a path which really fits us, hehe.

And so, enjoy the days, which once come and gone away, which turn into misery ahead.


When we are mapping the future separation,

Are you confident enough that you will live for a long time to meet your old friends once again?

I got a kind of life lesson today. Please visit my friend’s blog here. She was one of my adorable seniors when I was majoring architecture before. One of many who really into architecture and you should proud of her too because of her work and she will probably be the next brilliant architect in the future. It works for you too, in any kind of major that you are focused on today.


She wrote a really nice yet simple article about every person that might have left our life before. It explains something inside me and brings a peaceful mind instead. Yes, maybe there were some people that only had a temporary mission in our lives.

I remember I didn’t have so many friends back then. I’ve told before on this platform about my previous schools and stories about that. Many of them really became so far away that I don’t have any idea where they are now. Some of them suddenly bump in front of me without any announcement before. Some stay for a really long time beside me and feels like we will getting old together as friends forever.

But I agree with her about this one. People have their own mission in somebody’s life. Pretty sure that my previous friends have finished their mission in my life, and they moved away to another mission for another friend.

Life is a forever alone journey. You are creating your own path, following your heart, mind, body, and soul; creating an intuition to choose one from some. We might collide with someone’s path, together with, open up the obstacle ahead. But we would be separated again because there is not enough space for two of us.

Life is really funny then. For sure.

Some path might collide once again, crossing each other to exchange territory of living, hahaha. We might saw our friend from the past. We would have that chatter about our memories and telling each other how’s life been doing to both of these time. Really so many information to exchange. But that’s all. Once we don’t destine to be together, then there we go.

Sometimes I remember my best friend in junior high. We used to travel together, experienced every road we found. But in one case, we separated and never met again until today. Maybe, her mission was to accompany me through my junior’s life. I didn’t really think about this before, but sometimes I’m questioning her. But just it. Nothing more.

Again, there are so many people in my life recently. I get acquainted with new people. I talked to more people. I get into some groups that I never know before. I developed my own boundary through people around me. They are now part of my path.

But as she said, some people might only mean to stay temporary in my life, some other staying durable there. I don’t know which one is whom. I wish for some to stay longer or forever, but they might not because they have another mission in others’ lives. I never know. We never know. That is why we call it as a future; the total uncertainty.

I remember Njum, one of my best friend ever. We often had a disagreement, but we never mad at each other for too long. The last time I saw her, it was my farewell before leaving to Merauke. She cried quietly. But I could feel her back up and down. I shed in tears too. But that wasn’t the saddest feeling. I wept over her two days after we separated. I understood at the time that we would really hard to meet again even though we would be on the same island. That was really sad.

But it’s okay now. We often have a chatting moment together about everything we are worrying.

And then, I remember my other friends. Some of them really the closest one, some others not really but they are always there, presenting themselves to everyone who needs them. I dear those people so much. Really not ready to be separated from them, but when the time comes, nothing I can do. They’ve finished their mission in my life, they have another one to do or they are heading to their own life guides.

Ah, I remember another one in my life. He made a specific ampersand for his photo series; #foreveralonejourney. I like that one, made me realized that we might be together with people, but sometimes the struggles really only exist in our own. At first, I only understood the meaning, but not really feel it. I knew through time, yes we are. But I realized that I’m no more awkward with people from my past. Memories not really implied the current feeling; it might, but not always. Maybe I had been angry at my friend when we separated, but when I met them later on, I realized that I missed them more. The feeling replaced, creating a new dominating one.

Ya, we are not always meant to stay forever in others’ lives. Some people stay, some others walk away. It is so common in everyone’s life. You have your experiences, I have mine. We might not be together forever, we all know about it. But please, since the time does limited, enjoy the friendship which exists at this recent time.


That Perfection Never Existed

Someday not long ago, I read something about life actions. It said that people wanted this thing or that thing and became really concern about being perfect. But at the end, it said that “that perfection doesn’t exist, the thing is let’s just getting something done, whatever it is”.

I’ve been in a kind of perfectionist since the first time I understood about competing with someone. I understood later on, that perfection was actually something we set. We had those standards which would verify that something was perfect or merely it was.

I’ve been for maybe all the times setting standards to be a perfect girl, being the perfect person in front of anyone, being that perfect student, and so on. I set a perfect future for some occasions, but at the end, I never really put the efforts to be the perfect one.

It happened every time, every moment, and finally to everyone.

Now, I have to admit that I really appreciated myself for being interested in the study of self-trajectory. Analyzed cases which had happened to me, and finally trying to understand why am I here today and doing this kind of things.

Let me tell you about how do I understand the life that I’ve been through. I knew from quite long how did I behave in my surrounding. I had a kind of intention to be a perfect person. I didn’t really know the reasons, until today, but somehow I thought that it was because I used to compete with my brother since I was a kid. Being in that competitive atmosphere like all the time making me setting some standards which later on became the standards of perfection.

That was really fun at first, being in the first place for something you really meant to. I got the first place in every single lesson I took at school. But that was the old me. At my senior and lectures, I never became the girl I really dreamt of, and once again, never really put the efforts to be. The stupidest thing then was that I didn’t satisfied with the results I got. What kind of stupidity, playing victims, and blamed others for something they didn’t do.

That was me not long ago.

I haven’t understood myself at all, not yet. But I feel like I’ve changed a bit.

There were times when I don’t have self-esteem at all. I’ve been writing here for almost 9 years, but I never made any kind of scientific writing since then. I had hard times doing reviews for lectures and structuring ideas which never been well-constructed in my mind. I envied people for being able to understand someone else’s concepts and telling us about it. Besides, I don’t have any idea where the hell those things came from.

Really not easy to make people understand what I meant by saying these or those. I wrote some letters to people and after really prepared the sentences, they still said that they hardly understood what I meant in the letters. There, I realized that I always thought that people would easily read what was in my mind, which actually only existed in my delusive opinion. The opinion and the data are two things meant to complete each other. Without putting them together in the right structure, the true purpose would never be understood by people. That’s hard, and trying is tiring.

But I tried to keep moving and through the hard times. The challenges that I took changing me within time and process.

To tell you now, I’m not asking a pity from you. No. Surely not. I’ve passed every challenge and actually, those things would never be easier as the time goes by. Somehow I just realized that it is me who is getting a bit stronger to face those challenges ahead.

My lecturer said that there are two things on earth that would never change; that we are not immortal, and that time has a limit. Maybe just because I finally thought that it wasn’t merely rhetoric anymore, I could say to myself, “that perfection never existed in me”. So, don’t be too hard pushing myself to reach out the standards I know I would never make.

Instead of chasing after something too high, there are things which would suit me best. Instead of chasing after you and try to be on the same path or parallel with, there is a path which would really fun to be through. And I could still be your complement.

I never experienced being in the backstage. Most of the time I tried to keep being in the spotlight, but never succeed. Ah, life is always interesting.

This one is not meant to be negative at all. I know I wrote some bad sentences, pledoi, but still trying to look positive. No. There were bad days too. But there were happier days.

Getting rid of the standards which lingered in my mind was not as easy as I thought. Sometimes it is hard to handle it, but at times, the hopes will come to practice.

Still, so many things to do. At least I’ve said what I wanted to say to some people. I’ve been telling everything I wanted them to know. Beyond that,  there are still stuffs I keep for myself, some cases which only have meaning when we don’t talk about it. The unanswered questions never bothered me yet giving hope instead that there will be an explanation for everything on earth.

And because we are not an immortal, our job is merely to survive through days. As I’ve been successful for today, maybe taking a nap would suit me best so I could prepare for tomorrow.

So, see you again. You know who you are for me, hehe. Nite!


Not the first post in this year

Hello again. For quite a while, I haven’t written anything here. Merely because I really didn’t have motivation to do it, but actually I have some topics to be discuss. But let this one be a kind of a daily update. Hehe.

Bukan postingan pertama saya di tahun ini memang. Tapi pertama-tama, saya pikir ucapan terima kasih dan permohonan maaf bukan sesuatu yang terlalu muluk di awal tahun. Ada banyak hal yang akan terjadi di tahun ini, yang saya semogakan akan berjalan lancar tanpa halangan apapun. Ini soal perkuliahan. Meski sebetulnya saya gugup luar biasa, jelas ini nggak akan mudah mengingat betapa saya sangat karbitan di bidang ini.

Ada banyak orang di hidup saya belakangan ini. Saya bertemu orang baru, diperkenalkan dengan temannya teman dan akhirnya bisa membahas banyak hal penting bersama. Atau barangkali dengan acak berbincang soal segala urusan dengan pelanggan yang baru pertama kali bertemu. Beberapa kali mengunjungi teman lama dan ternyata kami dapat berbincang tanpa adanya kekhawatiran soal rasa canggung. Tiba-tiba saya merasa dicintai banyak orang. Untuk itu, saya pikir amat tidak berlebihan jika saya berterima kasih untuk apapun yang saya peroleh, meski ucapan ini simbolis saja saya lakukan di sini.

Lalu, beberapa angan-angan tampaknya harus rela saya postpone sampai waktu yang tidak ditentukan. Misalnya untuk belajar nyetir mobil (while actually I’ve tried once in Kimaam), belajar tari tradisional, bikin CV yang bagus, ikut bazaar lagi, atau bahkan membuat kebun sendiri. Berangkali menentukan prioritas jangka pendek untuk hal-hal yang jauh lebih krusial untuk saat ini.

But I have a lot of funs beginning of this year. Got some trips to my friends’ places, and really had a quality time together. I did small production sessions to make my little shop back to life again. Doing some treatment to release my anxiety. Visited some tourism places which been popular these days. Chats some friends and gave them support on whatever they are doing. Appreciated small things like a congratulation or a ‘how are you’. And so many other good things.

Of course there are some antagonists in my life, but they weren’t really meant to be. Kadang yang begitu hanya persoalan perspektif.

Ada banyak berita tentang negara ini dan dunia di luar sana. Soal perang, politik, lingkungan, ekonomi, atau apapun itu, tidak berhenti berseliweran di dunia maya. Setidaknya mendistraksi ketenangan empiris lingkungan sekitar kita.

Dan meski di hadapan saya hujan menguyur tanpa tanda-tanda akan berhenti, ada keyakinan yang tidak luntur bahwa life is getting better. Barangkali ada waktu ketika terbangun dalam keadaan sedih seperti yang telah lalu, memimpikan kekhawatiran yang sama, atau bahkan kembali ke pikiran-pikiran yang merusak diri. Tapi akan selalu menjadi biasa aja begitu bernapas dengan normal. People only lives in a present time, ya kan?

So, once we survive the present, we will live forever.

Here some photos:


the bookbinding project

the tourism visits

the contempation moment

Not representative, but enough.



I guess you all ever saw this picture before. Really popular I think, and many people (even myself) said yes to it. But let’s keep it for the last paragraph, hehe.

Let me once again make a self-reminder about how this life is going today and after.

Recently, I am practicing smiles so much and even talking so many things to myself. I found out that practicing smile was totally fun. I mean, sometimes we never realized how do we look in front of many people we talk to. We never pay any details in our own face because we are the one who would never see ourselves talking, and so practicing in front of the mirror is the best thing I could choose.

Wow, posting in English is so addicting.

I remember then, someone that I followed on Twitter once said: “oh, our country’s future is so bright that the citizens are happy according to their social media”. That was ‘something’.

Remembering my own past when I was jealous to everyone that I met (there were times I was a girl like that), I begin to think that indeed not only me who did the same to everyone they’ve met. Sometimes we evaluate too often about ourselves that we finally found out what we hated so much about ourselves. On the other side, we met that perfect person like the one we’ve ever imagined so we somehow blamed ourselves because of that weakness.

The truth was actually we all have ‘that part’ that we hate about ourselves. For example, the funniest girl I ever met were actually wanted to be a person who talked less and behave more elegant (?). The other serious woman said that she was too serious as a person so that she always afraid if someone might be misunderstanding her because of it. Another person maybe never commenting on that kind of things, but I caught that she also kepo-ing my other friends’ account yet not because she wasn’t worried all these long but she was just so good in hiding her feeling.

Sorry to only mention woman here, because I am a woman too. Also, I think I still believe that man has a different way of thinking.

Not to generalize all the women, because I know some of you have already realized this matter earlier, but there are many others who still think that she was the one who is not perfect.

Turn to be a more motivated blog I guess, but I don’t mean to because once again this is more like a self-reminder. I’m not often being motivated by myself, sometimes need someone to be a figure so that I could study about her/his personality; which one is compatible with myself and which one isn’t. And don’t worry because you don’t have to agree with me, hehe.

The funny thing is the more I think about it, the more I realized that maybe no one who was really satisfied with their lives. Everybody complaining about something. We often stumbled upon something we’ve missed in the past or the chances we haven’t get on that moments.

I haven’t succeeded doing something, but as the new year came, I believe chances will come again. And I put some resolutions this year as I’ve mentioned before, to motivate me to be a better person since I’ve been very grateful for my last year progress, hehe.

So, what was the topic?

As we could remember ourselves, we have that much time doing some fun with friends, right? Young people have so many things to do and really never got tired and felt like you could do anything in this world. And then you realized that you don’t have any money to afford something that you wanted; stuff you wanted to buy, places you wanted to visit, etc. Growing up, you promised yourself to make some money so you can do want you couldn’t do before.

And finally, we are here, in the age of employee era for most of the people. Some people finally could make their wish come true as they get enough salary from their job, so they had some fun. But we often need to spare some specific time to take a vacation. Other time you worked harder to get more money so you could spare more time or do some special occasion.

But we hardly appreciate the free time. Sometimes felt like something’s missing when doing nothing for a whole day long or more. Maybe because we think we should have done something to make more money or doing something important.

Oh no, what am I talking about? Hahaha.

That’s not me, and maybe not you. I hope we would never be too flat living this life because there are so many chances out there that you still could be like other people without stuck in a boring workspace.

The last time I got home my father asked me about getting a proper job, I just smiled at him. Sometimes we are too busy thinking to be like others, wanted to be able affording something, but we couldn’t. But living a slow-motioned life may be good for health; we’ve been racing too fast today, living a life we may be not compatible with.

And, to finish this random post in this new year, I suggest you read some novels you never heard before. That’s fun. Pardon my mistakes, bad language, and unstructured post. Heu.



Fyi, actually the original writing has erased away the hell I didn’t know why. Repeating the same writing is quite uninteresting, but this is one of some that I intended to write. So I begin and once again try to build my interest. Please enjoy.

“What’s your future plan?” Mas Akoh asked me yesterday. A simple question, yet I don’t have an answer except smiling at him.

Quite mysterious, this ‘future’ that we talk about. Many people try to make some plans in their life and do everything to make it come true. But to say, I really don’t have any particular plan recently. Like the life after my master study will be really unexpected I think. Maybe having a future plan is not bad, and indeed not bad, but I just thought that everything ahead is a total uncertainty.

Today we are heading 2018, really close, you see? Being this far from my starting point, I always wonder the paths I’ve been through, and so do you, don’t you? I did my reflection session these days, to everything that lingered in my mind yet my future plan (look, I talk about future, hehe). But I found that recalling my previous future plans is more interesting.

So, I scrolled down some of my social media; asked myself why did I erase some accounts, why did I write those writings, how was my feeling at the moments, what was going on that time, what problems that disturbing my mind that much, and sooo many other questions that made me smiling all day long. Studying myself is so addicted. I found out that sometimes I was a strong-hearted-girl, other time I was that weak yet totally make me feel disgusted. But processing is a unique phase of life.

Back to this future plan, I guess I try to make one for my next year and maybe for some following year. I get to finish my master study (been 3 semesters there and I should have begun my thesis but not yet), planning a more serious business plan so I decided to join with a partner maybe next month, once again start to design a house (or a home?), and last, choosing the best job that I could get and to go through.

I saw a film yesterday, about future prediction when finally there is no baby born on Earth. So many films nowadays try to prefigure our (I mean all human beings) lives. The destruction of environment is being viral in the last decade, so many peoples and NGOs take place in the environment campaign, many friends getting in the environment studies, the food security issues are everywhere, the contaminating water is so worrying, the melting ice became the main issue of global warming, and so on.

People who care enough about future life then began to reduce their waste practices, maybe started farming in their small yard, consumed less fast food, changed to eco-friendly products, and even taught their children to be more careful to the surroundings, or they even didn’t want to have a child! Besides, there were a lot (really a lot) of people who still didn’t really care about everything they’d consumed, the trashes they’d thrown away, and simply thought that trashes were government’s problem and we didn’t have to think much about it.

But not to judge too much, I am not that zero-waste person today. Still producing trashes by buying packaged food and other products. And yeah, packaged foods produced sooo many trash, and sadly we kept buying it, hehe. Yet, being at home (I mean not going out too often) really reducing the trashes production as I’ve been experiencing these days. Going to a restaurant or ‘warteg’ which was serving meals in plates and glasses, avoid to use straw or something similar actually made me felt better. Yeah whether I was not really reducing the global trashes production, but still, I felt something.

I am amazed at some person who really doing that zero waste lifestyle which looks very exclusive yet hard to do. Actually not really hard, remembering that we have traditional markets which are good because they don’t use plastic that much on the product, but the sanitary products really making it difficult. About a year and a half before I began to use handmade soap which was not packed in plastic. Felt good (I mean the soap), but quite expensive that I couldn’t afford it anymore. So I began to use the general products that could be easily found in markets, hehe.

So, talking about future not merely talking about ourselves, but we have those home works to think about. Begin with ourselves is the best way I think. Some people really pessimist about it, but somehow, I have believed in human behavior. Instead of becoming care about nature, they actually will care about themselves. That’s why when something happens to their life stocks, they’ll act. Cliché, but still, I see future in it.

Just one thing that I worry about, I hope there will be no one who’d say ‘It’s too late to act’.

Aww, this is going further, hehe. Pardon me, and let’s go back to my future problem.

Again, the more serious future plan will make up after I getting married (and it seems like, errr, don’t have any idea yet), or the day I finally make a final decision about where do I want to spend my entire life. After that, planning something about life looks easier and I hope it is not too delusional, hehe. future is all kind of mystery that you could imagine.

Last, sorry for have been repeating something I’d said before. For the one who was just stumbled upon this page, congratulation because you finally found my world. Welcome!


saying I love you

The three simple words that changed people’s lives a lot.

To begin, I must say sorry to once again mention this matter here. But just like every time I posted something related to feeling, I feel sooo melancholic. Huehe. And not to avoid the fact that I am that melancholic girl, let me continue this topic as far as I could go.

Begin with the suicide news of a boy band member in Korea, Jonghyun (I bet you know this name), the fact that one of my juniors had been telling me about her romantic life two days ago, and of course my experience of life itself, I gathered some information that I needed to write this post.

Love has much meaning according to the person who meant it. Maybe some said that love is actually something bla bla bla (like what I’m gonna do) but practically, people gave the meaning according to their will. That was why the impacts always take shape differently person by person. As you could see also in every song which contains the word ‘love’, they scripted something differently per song.

Some said that ‘heart is just like a wheel’, or they want to ‘tell me that you love me’, but ‘when you love someone just be brave to say’, and thousands of love songs that you could find everywhere and every time you want. From the one who mocking it, or awing it, or takes it as nothing, or whatever you want to call it, there was always someone who does.

So, no need to redefine the meaning of it in the exact same way as others. You define yourself.

But wait, this is not what I want to talk about.

I thought so much about the depression matter which was being viral these days. People started showing their depression symptom to everyone through their social media or telling some friends about their problems. But what I saw back then was that people around me who once told me about it never tried to overcome their problems so they could move away from the depression itself. Besides, they tried to make other people felt pity for them so they could lean on that one or more persons to always become their listener like almost all the time. Not always bad as far as they’ve got an agreement together.

Some people could be very depressed over their lives. Self-blaming behavior is one of some that drives the depression mostly. I may don’t know much about psychology (I haven’t read the Freud’s psychoanalysis yet), but I experienced that everything actually came from ourselves. People always blame themselves and felt unwanted in their sphere. They felt alone all the time. But this was the actual problem, we forgot that we do live alone.

There are many reasons that deepen their depression more than others. They may have childhood traumas or some permanent illness inside them, or else. Some cases sometimes seem very simple compared to the other one, but don’t be tricked because the may have deeper depression symptom.

After all, some people tried to ‘rescue’ the sufferer by telling them that they are loved, or else, some sufferer thought that being in a romantic relationship could get them away from the symptom. It wasn’t that simple to be rescued with those three words, I-love-you. Loving is a hard feeling. It takes more than just words to make it true. Being loved is kind of acceptance for some (for me too). Again, the problem is it wasn’t that simple.

Before you said ‘I love you’, you have so many things to think about. That was why sometimes I feel a little scary to tell someone that I love her/him. A feeling may disappear, and it possibly would be. You could feel wrong after saying ‘I love you’ to others. Not every person could accept the changing of your feeling, especially the faded of love (sadly it often happen). They may think that they were being left behind and it may deepen the depression, once again.

It may be hard (very hard indeed) encouraging yourself to love yourself soo much that you don’t ever let anything destroy you or manipulated your whole mind. We basically standing alone all these time, and for the rest of our lives. The people around only help us as a self-reflection or a reminder.

I’ve got no idea helping others’ depression except telling them to get up and take a big step in their lives. A cliche suggestion of course, but when you understand it, you might survive for the rest of your life.

On the other side, I did think so much about this. It was hard to pick someone before you say ‘I love you’ to her/him. You need to analyze the feeling first before mistaken it, the impact, and what might happen in your life after. But yeah, as I finally believe recently, to tell someone that you love her/him is about realizing that you’ve loved yourself too.

So girls, before you’ve done with yourself, I recommend you to keep it as a secret so that a woman become woman.


ps. I don’t want you mistaken me as a depression sufferer in the past because I didn’t.

this year

It’s been a week since the last post. Having some topic to write but I didn’t intend to. Yeah, but finally I wrote some, right?

Here we arrived at our last days of this year. I was surprised remembering there were so many things happen this year. Quite busy until November and have been doing nothing since then except watching movies, updated to some new things (gadget stuff, apps, news, school things, etc), read some novels, and once again built my enthusiasm on crafting. Leaving the craft business made my working rhythm being forgotten by the hands. I was turning 25 last March and had a turning point too (?) in the middle of this year. Maybe I didn’t really have some year resolutions but I think I’ve made some without I realized.

Beginning this year, I traveled to some places. I spent some time in Bandung and Jakarta, then leaving to Paninggaran doing the small research with my juniors. That was the first time doing anthropological research and quite fun. The place was really beautiful that I never got bored to look around. Getting home on the last day of the holiday and the next day the new semester started over right away.

It was my best semester I guess. I attended some class which required me to discuss, discuss, and discuss like never-ending discussion, having presentations in front of my friends and lecturers, and in the last day of school, we had so many words to write. Actually not really fun when it was happening, quite stressful with the papers, but after all, I finally made it. Hehe. Finished my semester, I intended to apply for some scholarships but sadly I missed the chance. But I was okay with that though. I turned to be a not-so-much-competitive person like before. Just thought that ‘how this world worked was just like that, and so, don’t complain.’

I traveled to Madiun for three days with my friend before finally decided to take my semester off and going to Papua, the place I never imagined before even after many people talking to go there. That was a sudden decision actually just because I got no plan for the half-year end while I’d missed the scholarships, my friends were leaving too, and yeah, maybe a little escape was good for my mind.

I would not tell the whole stories because I did many things from the day I formally joined the program until finally got home, but the best part was that I met so many friends and people, and had to accept that a farewell is a must sometimes. My best friend got home already and don’t have any idea when will we meet again, haha. Besides the problems I got in the program, so much fun I had back then. Experiencing another living space and environment, mode of transportations, and so on. I was able to take flight to Kimaam, one of many places there and really interesting to be there. Kimaam had some colonial historical buildings and been changed by colonial government years ago. They grew rice and farming since the arriving of them and even now they developed their farming methods by themselves.

luckily I could attend the 40-days-after-death ritual

the sasi ritual on airport conflict

the runway

the port

Of course I missed many because of the program; I couldn’t attend my friends’ wedding (even some close friend!), couldn’t meet another who came to Jogja on their holiday, missed some upgrading programs, and so on. A decision always brought some sacrifice (?) right?

Not aiming to look self-pity, but after all I haven’t achieved anything since then. Still spent much of my time doing anything randomly, wrote randomly, purposing nothing, but tried to always live well. Yeah, there are 9 days to go before we leave this year. Maybe next year will be greater than this one, so let’s hold on to it.