just go with the flow and whatever happens, happens

Turning 26 yo

Recently, I no longer shared a link to every post I made. I forgot why I made it automatic before, but maybe because I wanted my writings to be read by people, but yeah, it’s not really interesting that way anymore, hehe.

Yet, I share this post automatically consider it as my late-birthday celebration, hehe.

Birthday was not a really friendly moment for me. These last two years, I got sick when the date’s coming and I didn’t feel it’s necessary to celebrate it. Really none of the people at this age had a kind of birthday party, right?

But remembering that I’m turning 26 years old is another thing.

Still, I don’t have goals for the following years of life. Just really don’t have any particular plans. But I want to give presents for myself this year. Maybe fulfilling documents which would be important and useful for life is, of course, one of them, and I so excited to have those all documents for life. Another thing, I’m projecting a more serious plan for my ultra-micro business, but still not doing anything to make it happen, hehe.

What really surprising are the moments when my old friends contacted me for the first time, even one of them came from my elementary that we haven’t been meeting for more than 14 years, also getting along with friends overseas, and friends where I didn’t have any idea they would be my friends.

For 3 months, I’ve finished 10 books, most of them are the books that I bought but left unread. I have more unread books on my book shelves and still trying to finish all those books by the end of this year. Yet, I also borrowed some books but not yet finished, heu.

Some plans sound too ambitious yet ridiculous that I’m not sure I would make it. Hence, I’d like to consider it’s not as plans, only something aside, hehe.

I got some favorite activities to do on my social media. I left Facebook but cannot delete the account because I think it still has a function for myself. Surprisingly, I posted so many writings here beginning of this year and even became more productive lately. Still, I haven’t made any money from this platform just like how Mbak Yaya mocked me before, haha. I couldn’t get rid of Instagram’s vibe because I need it to live and even more reaching my big dream to have my own brand and craft shop. I’m using Twitter a lot to explore news to let me know what’s going on Earth. And some other apps that help me a lot in living this life, hehe.

I have a very ambitious goal for my writing. Still struggling with the process but I think I see some light ahead that I won’t lost in the darkness of ignorance. Also, there are people which had been helping me and would help me in the future. There’s still hope yhaa.

Yeah, that’s all I have for you, hehe. I don’t have any other thing to write for tonight. Really tired installing so many software on my laptop. Hope it would help my life, hehe.

Okay, see you again. And although I’m turning 26 yo, I think my mind and soul stop at 22 yo. Lol.



Oh Lyfe

If you have a shape, I would definitely hug you with all the love that I have. We have an intense love-hate relationship all these time, and I don’t really know how to overcome. (I’ve just realized there isn’t any English word for ‘gemas’, hemm)

But first of all, I would like to thank you for giving me this soul to live in (although sometimes I don’t really satisfy, hehe). Really thank you for choosing this person as I am.

To be honest, not easy to finally being happy with all the things that I have today. Sometimes there are still thoughts about ‘what if’ moments and yeah, sometimes I lost myself on the way thinking about it.

Life has a funny way. All the time it is.

Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything’s okay and everything’s going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything’s gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

(Ironic by Alanis Morissette)

But life, life is a very interesting journey to be through. In between those daily activities, I know to think about ‘why this person is me’ would bring sooo many options to answer; whether with a physical approach or even the absurd one, all those things really interesting in the same way. At the same time, as I think about the life matter, there’s death matter afterward. And it is interesting too.

Life, sometimes getting too rational that I did this and that because of some goals I want to achieve. But then, lately, some of them getting too absurd when I decide to think the other way around.

Yet, my mind playing trick about how life’s going. THAT HAPPENED SO OFTEN!

((And I think I lost the words that I’ve been thinking for a day long, heu.))

Well, let’s move to another thing, a time when I wanted to thank someone but there is no one.

It was a sunny day after all. We had a warm day and I didn’t really think that there would be raining in the afternoon. Me and my friend wanted to see a film at the time, so we went to Pascasarjana to see the film. For almost two hours, we were sitting down in the room seeing the film without really paying attention to the weather. Then the rain came minutes before we finished the film.

I didn’t have any difficulties since I brought my raincoat with me. But when we got down and walked to the parking area, I’d just remembered that I left my newspaper on my motorcycle so I ran to the parking lot. I didn’t find my newspaper. Then okay, maybe someone took it. It didn’t really matter.

I decided to just go home after that. But I stopped by the sight of the newspaper under my helmet. It was safe under the helmet, not even had a drop of rain on it! I looked around but I didn’t find anyone, not even the security. I waited for 10 minutes but still, there wasn’t anyone. It was the time I did want to thank somebody so bad but there wasn’t anyone to thank. I just stared at the newspaper and thanked no one but the life itself.

Yes, it had a funny way to decide what would happen to somebody.

There were choices in life, but what really happened sometimes not even in the lists of the choices. Not only once it happened to me, yet I think that everything had its own way to decide which one is good for whom. I planned something, there might be failures to fulfill the dreams of the past, but it didn’t mean that this was the end or the wrong turn. It was just it; the step we had to walk on even we didn’t care or even hate it a lot.

Oh life, you are too adorable yet so annoying.

In line with life, there are feelings along the journey of life. Feelings played really well and placed a main role in the script. With all the feelings that would come to a person, we decided to make the ideas came to practices. We wanted to improve because of feelings, yet we wanted to move also because of feelings, and moreover, we want to die, sometimes also because of feelings.

((Really, I lost the plot I wanted to write))

Life also has surprises; from the very dramatic one to the dullest one. We didn’t have time to choose not to accept, because all we need is acceptance. Between those love and hatred, there was a time I was surprised by the moments where people thank me because of the things I did for them. To give inspiration, to encourage, to compliment, to accomplish, or to whatever make others happy, the feeling was precious.

Heu, okay then. After 800 words of an unknown arrangement of words, I’m giving up on writing an unimportant post. Consider this as another useless one, okay?

See you again.



And I better think twice before start talking or writing something.

Recently I thought so much about the way I talk and write. Really not a big problem though, but it somehow disturbs me a lot.

It is true that it’s all about perspective, but how it really works never been discussing too much.

I mean, whenever I bump to this page, I don’t really feel the same about the lines I’ve been written before. Yet, we already know how text and context take a role in this part; so many people talk about it. But to experience the feeling of changing and trying sometimes not really come to someone. We are not wanting to reread something in the past, yet we don’t really consider the secrets of the text, we lost the context.

Sometimes it’s getting frustrating in this writing and talking problem; which type of that thing that would satisfied people, or even more, myself? That’s the main reason I continue practicing even it getting absurd, useless, or even frustrating.

Besides, I don’t want to give up on matters I do think that it’s matter. Really need a lot of patience and courage to keep move on the track, hehe. My alter ego said that it is a matter of perspective, how I see the matter from the other side; from the opposite condition of this fight. That’s also frustrating.

First, because the way we talk is an effect of our inner condition, whether the emotions or the repression, that’s why I have this first condition. Second, because I have to try to empathize the other condition, I should feel the opposite condition at the same moment. That’s so tiring. This not really this hard to be practice. Actually, ignorance is the easiest way to choose, but that’s not really satisfying. Hahaha.

That’s why, not every conversation going well, not every negotiation being understood the same, not every joke bring a laugh, and not every sadness bring tears. There are conditions that make it possible, and there are don’t. Also the same with the fight. Some madness would lead to forgiveness, some hardness would lead to empathy, but sometimes there’s nothing.

Perspective, Yu Sing said on his account.

I learn from everything; people’s posts on their social media accounts, fictions, text, stories from friends, and of course myself. I know people who already into something so deep that they are admiring matters really serious. In coffee for example. But then, some of them would be too fanatic about this. In this condition, coffee becomes a standard they are really strict into, sometimes hardly reject another kind of coffee. Sometimes they even mock others for drinking instant coffee.

Well, that’s really unfair.

Perspective once again plays role in this case. Whatever it is, people put effort on them, and so it must be something precious to others even though we don’t care about it at all. We might not like something or someone, but just let people be happy for whatever makes them happy. We might have another belief, yet just go on with your belief because others do have theirs too.

Sometimes I’m tired of talking or writing here. But I don’t think I really understand how the feeling of tired came to practice. Yet, I continue talking and writing whatever I want, maybe never really have deeper thought about them. I don’t know.

And yeah, this going to be a short post because I’m getting tired, heu. Okay, I’ll see you soon then.


And she cannot breathe because of the ground coverage.

Thinking about it while having a small trip to Jogja today. I was not really thinking about it before, considering that my concern was only the increasing amount of water going into the river, but not really the earth itself.

Well, looking at the ground all around, I realized that there is only a really small space of land uncover any hardening material such as asphalt, concrete, stone, or whatever hard materials. To imagine that earth is actually alive (it moves, changes, grows, and even breathes) the consciousness of she is trapping inside the darkness and couldn’t breathe disturb me. How cruel we are.

This might be too far to think that it is ‘she’ and she could breathe and could feel the way the human does. But imagine how the soil would bring life to the microorganisms inside its body if no light could pass the solid concrete and no oxygen could pass through those things? Yes, there are microorganisms that could live without oxygen and light, but it saddens me to realize that it happened.

Later I imagine if Earth’s skin has pores just like us, then one part of our skin had been covering with something the whole time, an acne will appear. That’s what might happen on Earth, cause we never know what she thought about our treatment of her.

But to be honest, I still love to visit nice buildings, see them, or even have one of them. As an architecture graduate student, a building is a representation both knowledge and practice to be aiming last forever through the changes of people and activities inside it, or even climate. It is really ambitious, to be honest, make a building permanently while every indigenous society always makes their buildings temporary rather making it last forever. They knew that people would change through time. They would not last forever and so, the concept of the permanent building seems quite ridiculous for them.

But do you really think that they are thinking that way? Maybe it’s only me who trying to seek a justification for my opinion.

I do not really have thoughts about what’s better to be done recently. Researching in an environmental problem makes me think so much about what is good for the environment and for society in its balance. Hence, they said that environment is aimed to be created for human livelihood. Besides, in Dan Brown’s latest novel (I don’t really sure to relate this to his book or not but it still necessary) he said that later human and robots would be a partner in living this Earth. Another opinion said that it’s okay that we face the environment depletion because we are driven by the law of nature; the strongest who will survive through evolution.

What is true is not certain because we haven’t been in the future itself. But the debates were important to realize what people really think about the future of our Earth. Will human be transferred to another planet or we would certainly be trapped here facing the increasing of the heat or sea level? Or it is still too far to be thinking?

I don’t know. I don’t really have thought about it.

Once before, I was really wanting to have children, but whatever I said about it back then, I have to admit that the purpose of having children still so egoist comparing to what I’ve been saying. But this confusion about the human role in this Earth really disturbs me.

When there are people some places on this Earth trying to protect what they have, there are people another place have no interest and really ignorant about what was going on. Not because they don’t know about it, but simply because of ignorance that they have. Somehow it turns to be frustrating sometimes and I would end up doing nothing but to relax my mind.

I know that everything is way too idealist to be true. But have a kind of idealism is really necessary to keep every dream alive and last to forever, being transferred to the next generation and so on.

I realized (I really do) that the practice that I’ve done really far from ideal. That’s also somehow quite frustrating and making me feeling unsatisfied with myself. The process always full of debates while my mind trying hard to bring the connection between one matter to another one until all those things linked together as one. But before it came to the big figure of what’s-going-on-right-now image, I lost myself. Everything became so absurd in sudden.

Again, even how many times I tried to reconnect them again, the absurdism came to me and erase the belief that I have.

This isn’t something important to you and might never be understood as I also hardly to reconstruct it here by now. But I want somehow, to encourage or being encouraged instead by people to be able to do something to environment and society, yet bring the positive impact to it.

How far this road that we walk on. So far the peak ahead. So hot the air we breathe. So patient the Earth we living on.


It’s okay.


Yes, I have tons of anxiety, just like you. But first, let’s just smile for seconds. This might be the first advice for you today, but surely I hope that it’s not. Hehe.

And it’s okay. That you are a woman or a man, trying to take a look randomly on this page or purposely want to know what I was thinking about you or everything else. That you are a woman or a man who is my friend or not yet, or even no more. That you are a woman or a man who had already settled in life or not yet. That you are a woman that I admire so much or I’m not even close to. That you are a man that is my friend, or whether the man that I love. It’s okay that you are reading this by now, I thank you.

It’s okay that you came from whatever the family that you have. Because they are the one who made you happen in this world, the roots that we could never change for the whole life, yet no need to do so because it’s useless. Moreover, you are an independent human being just like me or your parents or your siblings, or every other human you’ve ever met.

Yes, it’s okay that you love someone. It’s okay to tell him/her that you love him/her. It’s okay to be rejected. It’s okay to be sad and cry. It’s okay to do everything but don’t blame yourself. Don’t tell yourself that you are worthless. Don’t let yourself stop doing whatever you like just because of the feelings.

To tell them that you love is the way you manage yourself to be seen by them. But rejection not always meant that you are worthless. To be rejected is the way to improve your appreciation of yourself, how to be honestly, truly, completely, and entirely love yourself. It’s simply because you haven’t found the one who admires you the same way. There will be someone else. But to remember him/her as someone precious yet is important. To be sad and cry is a way to realize how you appreciate yourself, your feelings, and also him/her is an independent human being, just like you. Not merely an expression of depression or sadness.

It’s okay that you are single, or you are married. It’s better to get married late instead of regretting the marriage. Because you don’t walk on the same road, you don’t own what others have. You don’t live on the same time-schedule. Then it’s okay to have your own timeline about life. You weren’t born on the same date and definitely won’t die at the same age! Yet everything would never be the same for everyone.

It’s okay to be late and said sorry instead of never came and said nothing. It’s okay to keep in touch with whatever, whoever you don’t like. They might be someone important later at the moment you never imagine. It’s okay not to choose to be close to some people especially, but keep socialize with everyone you meet.

It’s okay to listen to your friends’ stories and take your time for them even you are not really close to.

It’s okay to be hated by someone. You cannot please everyone, but then you’ll learn how to appreciate the differences. You might have more than one set of personalities but it’s okay as long as you don’t hurt any. It’s okay to lie to privatize your own moments in this public exposure era.

It’s okay that you have a bad day and shout some bad words to calm you down. You’ll learn to appreciate a day of enjoyment and happiness after. Because the struggles will help you to survive in the future.

It’s okay to take a selfie and feel happy that you have a good smilling face.

It’s okay that everything on earth not going as well as what you have planned.

It’s okay to be solitude. It’s okay that one day you decide not to do anything particular yet choose to get some remedies and watching movies all day. You’ll always need time to release the worries and the tired of working and thinking.

It’s okay that you have tons of ideas but they don’t have a chance to come into practice. They certainly will. Just keep the belief. It’s okay that you don’t get the achievement that you want or any achievement that your friends get. Again, not all people have the same role on this earth.

It’s okay that you’re questioning your beliefs and your future. That’s how you’ll improve day to day. It’s okay to question the life because it’s the gate to go to another question of life. Yet, it’s the way to get deeper of the life itself. It’s okay to think it’s better to die because you’ll seek for something precious in life, to encourage you in living your life to the fullest.

Or even more, anxieties that come and should be telling that it’s okay to happen that way.

And this kind of self-note is meant to be written for me. But since there are these conditions, I realized that there will be another way opposite that might happen in life too. Yet, it’s also okay to act opposite. What happened to you was the things that might never come to me and the other way around. We didn’t even ask some, yet we still have to accept those.

But then, we somehow always meet each other in between.

Then we had quarrels; mentally, verbally, or even physically. And how many times we fight, it’s also really fine. We’ll learn how to overcome with the conflicts, how to come to alternatives and resolutions, to compromise, to let go and forgive, to accept everything bravely and continue our lives, and even more, to love ourselves as the most precious thing in our lives.

And last, I hope you are enjoying your life and you had a good day and sunset.

Love, wordflow


Resuming Anna Tsing’s book made me thought about the cosmopolitanism concept that she brought in her book.

Ah, too tired using English but, let see.

Hari ini cuaca sangat menyenangkan wuhuhu. Mungkin sedikit menyengat di tengah hari karena bahkan di lampu merah yang hanya 30 detik saja kaki saya sudah berasa terbakar, heu. Well, mari saya lewati bagian itu, hehe.

Tapi cuaca yang menyenangkan hari ini berdampak pada pemandangan keemasan sangat menawan sepanjang perjalanan pulang saya dari tempat penelitian. Sepanjang jalan saya hanya bisa tersenyum karena kombinasi hijau menguningnya sawah yang baru bertumbuh, pucuk rimbunnya pohon jati, refleksi matahari di permukaan air, duuuh, terlalu indah untuk bisa saya ceritakan dengan kata-kata.

Well, justru saya kemudian teringat tulisan Anna Tsing yang mengatakan bahwa mapala mengalienasikan dirinya dengan kehidupan pedesaan. Meredefinisi romantisme terhadap keindahan alam, namun tidak mau melakukan apa yang dilakukan orang-orang desa ini.

Sedikit banyak saya tersinggung dengan pernyataan Anna Tsing karena bagaimanapun saya bermula dari pedesaan. Tapi, ada hal yang saya pikir tidak dimengerti oleh Anna Tsing karena meskipun ia menyampaikan kritik mengenai perilaku mapala yang sangat urban, namun persoalan memandang alam ini saya pahami indah sejak saya masih piyik.

Saya ingat saya tidak pernah absen keluar rumah ketika masih kecil; mencari ikan, kepik, buah-buahan, ciplukan, belut, nyoba ngisep sari bunga, atau kegiatan kelayapan apapun yang bisa dilakukan oleh anak kecil. Dalam masa semacam itu, kami kadang duduk di jalan yang membelah sawah, merebahkan diri di rerumputan sembari mengatur agar layang-layang tetap melayang tanpa nyangkut sambil mengagumi sore hari yang menyenangkan.

Salah satu kenangan saya tentang itu adalah sore yang seindah sore ini, saya dan adik saya duduk-duduk berdua di jalan tengah sawah sambil memandangi matahari terbenam. Bercerita apapun soal keseharian dan beberapa penggal ceritanya bahkan masih saya ingat karena ketika itu saya sudah sedikit lebih besar, kelas 5 SD kalau tidak salah. Kami membantu kakek-nenek kami di sawah sepanjang kehidupan kecil saya hingga SD, turut membantu menanam dan panen, menyusun damen (daun dan batang padi) yang ternyata ultra gatal, bahkan sering makan makanan untuk syukuran panen dan masuknya masa tanam (saya lupa istilahnya).

Kami melakukan, tapi baik saya maupun adik saya, atau teman-teman saya memiliki kekaguman yang tinggi pada alam yang menjadi tempat main kami sejak kecil. Tempat itu seperti wahana yang menyediakan segala kesenangan dan seluruh harta karun yang kami butuhkan di masa itu.

Ah, atau pernyataan ini sekedar glorifikasi atas hal-hal yang sebenarnya biasa, namun kini saya lihat sebagai sesuatu yang tidak lagi biasa? Entahlah. Perkara menilai alam ini menjadi sesuatu yang tetiba penting ketika saya melakukan perjalanan pulang tadi sore.

Barangkali, tanpa sadar saya merasa bahwa sudah begitu lama saya jauh dari lingkungan tempat tinggal pedesaan saya yang menyenangkan. Hutan di depan rumah sudah tidak lagi selebat ketika saya masih kecil, namun saya ingat betul petualangan seru yang setiap hari kami lakukan di sana. Bagian mana yang kami anggap paling menantang dan di mana titik aman untuk membawa adik saya turut serta ke dalam.

Penalaran semacam itu yang menjadi pemandu saya dan pengingat saya ketika akhirnya masuk mapala dan membawa adik-adik saya ke gunung. Ada lokasi-lokasi yang saya petakan dalam pikiran saya dalam berbagai kriteria. Ada titik-titik yang saya anggap aman untuk dijelajahi, dan ada lokasi yang menurut saya, ‘ajak aku dong kalau mau ke sana’.

Oh ya jadi ngelantur.

Well, barangkali bisa juga tanpa sadar saya sebetulnya telah menjadi anak yang urban di sejak masih ada di desa, hahaha. Etapi enggak juga sih. Saya toh nggak kenal Sherina di masa itu, haha. Atau entahlah, tiba-tiba saya merasa tulisan ini bodoh. Ah, tapi mari lanjutkan.

Tapi sore ini, ketika saya melalui jalan dengan pemandangan sawah yang menyenangkan di kanan kiri, saya sadar satu hal (di luar perkara Anna Tsing ini sih) kalau saya sudah lama tidak memanjakan diri sendiri dengan hijauan-hijauan ini. Demikian, melihat sekelumit petak sawah yang hijau indah saja sudah luar biasa senang. Bahkan yang paling sederhana, menjilid buku bercover forest green saja saya senang.

Warna hijau seolah memperlihatkan bahwa di antara kehidupan yang mati itu (apa coba?) ada hal-hal kecil yang bertumbuh. Di tengah ketidakjelasan cuaca di hari ini, tanaman masih saja tumbuh subur. (Dan saya sangat sadar cara saya menulis ini saja sudah amat romantis dan nostajik sebagaimana tuduhan Anna Tsing, sial)

Lalu, melihat bentang alam Indonesia yang demikian, tempat di mana semua hal dapat tumbuh subur, spasi di trotoar jalan yang hanya 20 cm saja bisa dipakai buat panen tomat, rasanya jauh dari nyata untuk mengatakan bahwa bumi sedang sekarat karena pemanasan global. Kadang kita bahkan tidak mampu membayangkan hal-hal remeh sejauh beberapa kilometer di atas kepala kita, atau mungkin menjawab pertanyaan mengapa handphone bisa mengeluarkan suara, dan masih disuruh membayangkan bahwa ada peningkatan karbon di atmosfer bumi, atau ada pulau sebesar Sumatra yang isinya sampah doang. Hemm, bubar kepala saya Pak.

Well, betul juga jika saya mencoba melihatnya dengan cara itu. Tidak ada tanda-tanda yang sangat nyata memperlihatkan bahwa terjadi sesuatu yang fatal dengan bumi tempat kita tinggal. Hanya mereka yang tinggal di kota (saya salah satunya) yang mengalami depresi nyata soal permasalahan lingkungan. Nun jauh di Taman Nasional Bantul Raya di selatan sana, segalanya aman sejahtera, laksana suaka dan surga. Yuhuuuiii.

Dan kerandoman tulisan ini terjadi karena saya sudah menyusunnya dengan cantik sambil berdialog dengan diri sendiri sepanjang jalan, tapi bubar jalan begitu saya menginjakkan kaki di SATUBUMI. Heu. Yasudahlah.


a bonus for you

Apa arti kehilangan jika tidak pernah memiliki?

Ya, apa arti kehilangan jika tidak pernah sungguh memiliki hal yang kita anggap kita miliki?

Belakangan saya tidak berminat sama sekali untuk melakukan hal yang serius di dalam keseharian, pun di dalam platform ini. Beberapa hal menjadi terlampau menyebalkan justru karena saya tahu banyak hal. Kadang pengetahuan ternyata membunuh perasaan ya, hahaha. Ya nggak segitunya sih, maksudnya, ada hal-hal yang kemudian berubah setiap kali saya bangun tidur, mereka bercampuraduk menjadi semakin absurd dari hari ke hari. But well, keabsurdan ini sebetulnya juga absurd dan tidak nyata, dan saya semakin melayang-layang menjalani hari. Heu. (Btw, kalimat semacam ini tuh saya ulangi berkali-kali banget di platform ini, membosankan yak.)

Lalu cerita apa lagi sekarang?

Sesuai judul, saya mau berbagi cerita soal kehilangan. Barangkali kita sangat akrab mengenai kata ini. Tidak jarang pula mengatakannya, bahkan mungkin tanpa pikiran lebih jauh mengenai hal ini.

Saya kehilangan cinta. (cieehh) Sesuatu yang sederhana saja sebetulnya. Tentu ketika saya mengatakan ini, tidak akan ada suatu perasaan khusus yang membuat kalian merasakan maksud ceritanya. Maksud saya, reaksinya paling hanya sekedar ‘oh yasudah, syukuri saja.’ Betul, memang begitulah brengseknya cerita ke orang lain. Oleh karenanya saya lebih suka menulis karena saya bisa mengimajinasikan bahwa akan ada orang lain di luar sana nun jauh di suatu tempat yang tidak saya tahu, setidaknya memaknainya dengan cara yang saya inginkan.

Banyak quotes cantik yang mencoba menggugah semangat mengenai rasa kehilangan ini, tapi kesemua itu saya pikir hanya berfungsi untuk menenangkan, lebih jauh dari itu, urusan kita dengan diri kita sendiri.

Tentu saja semua orang mengalami hal yang serupa, maka seharusnya setiap masing-masingnya akan mampu memahami bagaimana bentuk kehilangan ini dirasakan. Hanya saja kemudian saya merasakan bahwa dalam keadaan normal dan bahagia, empati kadang tidak akan sedalam itu. Ya atau sederhananya, ada kondisi yang membatasi kita dengan apa yang sesungguhnya dirasakan oleh pihak yang kehilangan.

Seorang teman pernah menulis, mana yang lebih nyata, menderita atau merasa menderita?

Tak perlu dijawab, dipikir saja. Toh melelahkan juga membeberkan bagaimana saya menanggapi pertanyaan itu.

Mari kembali ke pertanyaan awal saja.

Bagaimana saya mengatakan bahwa saya kehilangan cinta sementara saya tidak pernah sungguh-sungguh memiliki subjeknya? Hehe, itu dua perkara yang berbeda. Subjek yang dicintai dan subjek itu sendiri kadang berjarak. Ketika mengatakan bahwa saya mencintai seseorang, saya merujuk pada dua sosok yang berbeda dalam waktu yang sama, dia secara fisik, dan dia yang ideal di dalam pikiran. Keduanya terangkum dalam kalimat ‘saya mencintai dia’.

Apakah aneh mendefinisikan perasaan cinta dengan cara ini? Menurut saya tidak. Ketika dua orang terpisah oleh jarak dan waktu, yang bisa mempertahankan diri mereka dalam rasa cinta adalah imajinasi tentang orang yang ia cintai, karenanya itu adalah ‘dia yang ideal di dalam pikiran’. Ah, saya jadi rindu.

Well, untuk tidak terlalu jauh merasa melankolis, saya mau bergeser sedikit membahas soal pernikahan, yang mana akan menjadi topik yang sangat gencar didiskusikan sejak mungkin sekitar dua tahun yang lalu hingga barangkali empat tahun ke depan jika saya tidak juga menikah.

Menarik sebetulnya ya topik pernikahan ini. Ada begitu banyak hal yang barangkali terangkum dalam topik pernikahan.

Pertama, karena kita yakin bahwa memilih orang untuk dinikahi adalah perkara sangat krusial yang  harus sungguh tepat sehingga tidak disesali kemudian. Atau pilihan lainnya, barangkali memilih ini tidak akan pernah sempurna karena toh setiap hari manusia berubah. Demikian, perkara menikah adalah perkara berdamai dengan setiap perubahan yang terjadi pada diri sendiri dan partner hidup kita. Sehingga, pernikahan menjadi murni arena ujian bagi kita dan partner yang kita pilih. Ini adalah pertaruhan dan pertarungan abadi.

Ya, barangkali kita melakukan berbagai hal di masa lalu untuk mencapai tujuan mulia ini, menemukan partner hidup yang akan menua bersama dengan kita. Ya kan? (Perasaan saya tersentuh sekali menulis ini diiringi backsound lagu Jealous-nya Labrinth. Emang brengsek si ega)

Jadi, kadang yang kita lakukan adalah menguji setangguh apa orang yang kita pikir adalah partner hidup yang tepat, dengan satu dan lain cara. Atau sesederhana memperhatikan bagaimana mereka hidup sehari-hari. Well, manis sekali.

Tapi kadang ada orang yang lantas mengatakan bahwa pernikahan adalah hal yang tidak semanis itu, dan seks adalah olah raga; pernikahan menjadi sebuah tahapan hidup yang wajib dilalui, dan seks adalah sesuatu yang terlepas dari pernikahan atau rasa cinta. Ya ada saja orang yang mengartikan hal-hal yang bagi orang lain begitu bermakna, menjadi sesuatu yang sangat biasa saja.

Mudah kita temukan keberagaman pandangan ini, misalnya dari cara saya menceritakan perasaan dan harapan-harapan saya, dari novel-novelnya Eka Kurniawan dengan banalitasnya yang menggoda, novel-novelnya Ayu Utami, atau novelnya Paulo Coelho, atau pengarang siapapun yang kita tahu. Ada begitu banyak warna dalam memandang cinta dan salah satu turunannya, pernikahan.

Dan setelah dua minggu terakhir saya dipertemukan kembali dengan berbagai jenis orang, dari teman SD yang sudah 14 tahun tidak bertemu, atau orang yang domisilinya sejauh seperempat lingkaran bumi, segalanya menjadi semakin absurd untuk bisa dikatakan biasa saja.

Barangkali kini hanya satu hal yang bisa saya yakini betul; tidur adalah obat untuk segala hal di dunia ini.



And for the compensation of missing you, here smiles I rarely realize that I have.

About the daily life. #2

Saya pikir saya seharusnya melantur di postingan sebelumnya, yah tapi akhirnya memutuskan untuk menulis postingan baru. Sewaktu-waktu kalian bisa begitu saja mengabaikan postingan ini karena as you can see from the beginning, this is about my daily life.

Lucu sekali karena belakangan saya merasakan diri saya memasuki dimensi absurd yang lain dari hidup yang, semoga cukup panjang hingga menyenangkan untuk dijalani. Ada beberapa hal yang belakangan justru saya pahami jauh setelah teks itu tercipta atau tersusun. Bukan hanya teks yang datang dari saya di masa lalu, namun juga orang-orang lain. Mungkin kamu juga salah satunya.

Sebetulnya pemikiran ini mampir karena belakangan saya membahas hal-hal absurd soal alam semesta dan dunia. Singkatnya, saya kemudian sadar bahwa kegagalan manusia di dunia ini adalah membawa keseimbangan atas upaya pemanfaatan dan perlindungan terhadap ruang hidup kita, lingkungan dalam skala kecil, dan dunia sebagai sebuah sistem tunggal.

Dan kesadaran itu ternyata menampar diri keras sekali karena kemudian saya sadari bahwa hal semacam itu tidak pula saya lakukan bahkan kepada diri sendiri.

Hidup, saking membosankannya seolah-olah menjadi cukup layak untuk ditinggalkan. Lantas datang berbagai cerita manusia menolong sesama hingga entah mengapa saya merasa itu menyentuh perasaan saya. Barangkali masih jauh dari tindakan, namun saya menyadari bahwa, tentu masih ada hal-hal berharga yang patut untuk dijalani di luar keputusasaan diri soal apapun.

Paradoks atas kebimbangan soal mana yang penting dan tidak penting, rasional dan irasional, baik atau jahat, atau bentuk kontra apapun yang muncul di dalam kehidupan saya, adalah akibat dari ketidakmampuan saya untuk menyeimbangkan kebutuhan diri dan kemampuan diri dalam memberi. Kadang saya terlalu fokus untuk memberikan apa yang barangkali tidak diminta, sehingga lupa bahwa saya pribadi toh harus disuapi dengan berbagai hal untuk mencapai keseimbangan sehingga hidup menjadi layak untuk diperjuangkan.

There would be no one who helps, we merely live alone and be a partner with self to survive the life.

Dan tentu saja ada hal-hal yang terlampau absurd untuk dimasukkan ke dalam ruang nyata. Misalnya soal hal-hal yang ada di dalam platform ini, atau platform yang lain lagi, atau yang ada di dalam layar 5 inci yang sama-sama kita banggakan dapat berguna untuk berbagi begitu banyak hal. Tapi kenyataan yang lain kadang membawa pada kesedihan yang lebih nyata, sesekali termanifestasi dalam air mata, terkadang tawa dan sentuhan, atau beberapa dekapan. Kita tetap tersenyum dalam pertemuan, tetap tak ingin melepaskan, tetap tak mampu membayangkan hal-hal sejauh lima sentimeter di depan. Mencampuradukkan berbagai hal itu membawa absurditas yang lebih dalam. Barangkali kemudian menjadi keinginan untuk menihilkan esensi kehidupan. Wuu, berat sekali.

Well, tidak ada hal yang terlampau sempurna atau biasa saja. Perasaan juga begitu. Ada waktunya saya membenci dan mencintai dalam waktu yang tepat sama. Ada waktunya saya tertawa tapi merasakan denyut menyakitkan dari cerita-cerita. Barangkali memang tugas terberat manusia menuntaskan keraguan dalam dirinya. Dan bukan soal jika saya terlambat menyadari berbagai hal itu, toh setiap titik adalah mula, dan setiap titik barangkali adalah akhirnya juga.

Saya membacai (dalam makna yang sesungguhnya) berbagai hal di masa lampau yang ternyata saya lupakan begitu saja. Ada banyak pemahaman yang tidak mengendap, hanya mungkin kala itu menenangkan saya sehingga pikiran saya menganggap hal tersebut tidak cukup layak untuk disimpan karena fungsinya cukup untuk meredakan.

Take a look closer at ourselves, darkness and silence are frightening, and unrecognition is the greatest fear.

Ya, ketidakmampuan untuk menyeimbangkan hal yang pribadi, dan yang sosial ternyata menggerogoti keseimbangan diri. Hence, maybe I haven’t been growing yet, I’m just getting older.

As I know that people are different when night, I tried to keep practicing at noon or night, with or without you, in desperate or in happiness, in emotional or in rational. Human is weak. But you know together could change the weakness and strengthen each other instead. Either being dramatical or boring is not which one is better, but which one would really express ourselves or bring peaceful mind after. There were many fakes and lies. There were disclaimers. There were many other things.

And there is you.

I don’t know who you are, or what happens to you. Really absurd to tell you through this platform, but everything always feel unreal whenever it was. Never felt so real until I wept and felt the pain in my chest, or until I felt the deep hole in my heart.

Tulisan ini barangkali bukan tulisan yang menggambarkan apa yang sedang saya pikirkan, atau saya rasakan. Begitu juga berbagai tulisan yang telah dan akan saya bagikan kelak. Ada perubahan-perubahan kecil dalam hidup, perlahan-lahan, namun ada perulangan yang pasti dan berpola. Beberapa di antaranya mudah dikenali karena berdampak pada fisik dan metabolisme tubuh, beberapa yang lain hanya menjadi nyata jika ditelusuri lebih dalam.

Yang manapun, ada proses yang harus tetap dijalani meskipun tidak suka dan ingin begitu saja dilompati, ada harapan-harapan yang harus diperjuangkan agar dapat diperoleh atau sebaliknya, dapat dilepaskan dengan lapang dada. Ada rindu yang harus dibayar dan diberi pemahaman.

Ada orang yang mungkin hanya datang untuk memberi pelajaran. Di antaranya akan tetap membersamai kita meski kita terpisah dan lupa. Ada yang hanya datang untuk menciptakan kekacauan agar kita berbenah dan memperhatikan kehidupan. Lalu ada yang kita pikir akan menemani perjalanan panjang tapi ternyata tidak bermaksud untuk menua bersama. Life is a joke, yet a game. Then, laugh for it and prepare your strategy.

Lalu lima sentimeter di depan ada waktu yang masih cukup panjang untuk saya hidupi. Setidaknya jika bukan untukmu, untuk saya sendiri, mungkin ditemani seekor kucing dan anjing nantinya.


About the daily life.

Ada beberapa topik yang sepertinya cukup memicu saya untuk ingin menulis. Tapi belakangan rasanya begitu malas untuk merangkai kalimat yang menyenangkan, haha. Jadilah saya membuat dahulu daftar tulisan yang semoga tidak akan kehilangan daya tariknya meskipun saya menunda penulisannya, hehe.

Ketika saya berkendara tadi siang, saya menyadari ada hal yang barangkali tidak terlalu menjadi perhatian saya selama ini. Ada tanda-tanda yang mulai kita abaikan di jalan raya, atau bisa jadi penanda itu semakin kehilangan arti. Misalnya tanda garis putih dua memanjang di sepanjang jalan kaliurang. Entah berapa pengendara yang memahami bagaimana tanda seharusnya bekerja sebagai pengendali atas perilaku manusia-manusia di sekitarnya. Gagal.

Dipikir lebih jauh, barangkali yang semacam itu mengambil bentukan yang semakin bervariasi dengan tujuan yang tentu saja, menertibkan orang-orang atau memberikan pemahaman bahwa ada hal yang boleh dan tidak boleh dilakukan. Jalanan di sekitar kampus bisa menjadi objek pengamatan yang sangat menarik. Setiap tahun selalu ada perubahan mengenai tata kelola penggunaan jalan dan infrastruktur pendukungnya.

Masih ingat dengan pelarangan pkl di depan Sardjito? Belakangan, pedestrian di depan rumah sakit ini sampai harus dipagari, entah untuk memastikan bahwa trotoar tidak akan dipakai mangkal atau parkir motor, entah untuk memastikan pengguna jalan aman, atau entah untuk memastikan bahwa praktik lapangan akan sejalan dengan perencanaannya. Atau kebijakan bundaran UGM yang akhirnya harus dipagari juga agar bundaran itu memiliki fungsi yang terbatas saja, yang menurut saya mereduksi fungsinya sebagai bundaran.

Beberapa kebijakan penggunaan jalan semakin menarik untuk diamati seiring dengan upaya privatisasi akses (bisakah saya menggunakan istilah ini?), atau karena volume kendaraan yang semakin banyak, sehingga butuh dikendalikan. Lucunya meski semua orang sepakat bahwa volume kendaraan terlalu berlebihan di Jogja, belum ada upaya kongkrit untuk memberikan pembatasan atau upaya pengurangan yang nyata. Justru belakangan, kebijakan penataan semakin gencar dicanangkan untuk memfasilitasi keruwetan jalanan sehingga lebih terkendali, namun tidak mengurangi volume itu sendiri.

Saya jadi teringat dengan foto dead lock di suatu perempatan di Jakarta tempo hari, lucu sekali. Dan hal yang sama dalam skala yang jauh lebih kecil kerap sekali terjadi di perempatan Teknik UNY semenjak akses ke selokan mataram dialihkan ke jalan itu.

Yang tidak kalah lucu adalah penempatan portal di setiap fakultas. Saya tidak bisa mengatakan hal itu buruk, namun jika akhirnya bentuk pelaksanaan kebijakan tersebut ternyata tidak pas, kenapa masih getol sekali untuk diterapkan? Volume motor yang masuk ke lembah misalnya, sangat menggila di pagi hari jam 7. Oleh karenanya mayoritas mahasiswa tidak akan mengambil si karcis, pun itu masih mengantri untuk melewati spasi selebar 1 meter antara bangunan portal dan pembatas jalan. Saya jadi bertanya-tanya, daripada memberikan kompensasi dengan membiarkan mahasiswa lewat begitu saja, apakah tidak lebih baik ditiadakan saja? Atau jika harus tetap diadakan, tidakkah ada mekanisme lain yang lebih pas untuk diterapkan.

Ya, pertanyaan ini akan diputarbalikkan dengan mudah jika saya kemudian bertanya sungguhan; apakah saya pribadi ada solusi yang tepat? Sejauh ini, alternatif yang barangkali bisa saya tawarkan masih belum saya pikirkan dengan mendalam.

Anyway, saya jadi teringat seseorang dalam seminar tempo hari. Dia seorang ahli lingkungan, dan perkerjaannya adalah menentukan standar batasan kandungan partikel (?) tertentu baik di tanah, air, atau udara. Satu hal yang barangkali tidak pernah sungguh saya pikirkan adalah pernyataannya bahwa begitu sulit menentukan standar akan suatu kondisi. Dia harus memutuskan pada angka berapa sesuatu dianggap aman atau berbahaya. Batasnya sangat tipis, hampir tidak ada karena hanya ternyatakan sebagai dalam angka semata. Dan resiko penetapan ini sangat tinggi agar jangan sampai salah dan membahayakan banyak orang. Absurd sekali ya.

Tapi di balik itu, saya pribadi bertanya-tanya apa fungsi penetapan semacam itu ya. Misal kadar suatu kandungan masih kecil, adanya pembatasan semacam itu barangkali memicu anggapan bahwa tidak masalah jika sampai harus memaksimalkan batasan itu. Bukan lantas bentuk penetapan semacam itu menjadi jelak, hanya kadang upaya baik tidak selalu berbuah baik. Ya kaan.

Dan meski masih ada beberapa topik yang barangkali ingin saya bahas, ada hal yang memaksa saya untuk tidur saja, hehe. Sampai besok.


Decreasing interest in mountaineering.

Beginning of this month, our juniors in SATU BUMI finally chose their major of outdoor focus. Since there are four major here in our organization; caving (later they are more frequent calling themselves speleology), rafting (or water sports?), mountaineering, and climbing, one must choose their focus because they need training and classes about their field. One by one they chose their interest and I just realized then if there was a decreasing interest in mountaineering division.

What came first to mind was a basic question about why did it happen?

For me, this trend didn’t affect me at all, because I’ve already put this thing in doubt since years ago. I just questioning this thing because it’s very interesting actually. We went to the mountain at the first time we all joined this organization, but later, seems like everybody got tired to get along with a mountain.

I track the trajectory of mountaineering long ago because I had to give a class about the history of mountaineering activities. Hehe, I found out that mountaineering activities took in a different shape out there. They did the mountaineering activities together with climbing. It was actually not really surprising though because they had different geographical characteristic. Mostly, mountaineering activities require climbing skill because of the snow and rocky mountains.

I turn to analyze the mountaineering activities in Indonesia. Actually, we have the same purpose doing the mountaineering. Mountains are sacred places, once before. They were identified as the highest peak all around their surroundings. No one knew what’s there at first, yet they were really anxious about it. The very first mountaineering activity was to conquer the hardness of nature which took shape in mountainous terrain. So, it was a very egoist journey, to be honest. Or it was not? Hehe.

In Indonesia, the mountain had special meanings for local people. Most of the Indonesian people, mountain took roles in their daily activities. We might know that the practices still put in practices today, you could see in Merapi, Semeru, Agung, Lompobattang, or else. They all see mountain not merely a place which serves a different perspective and scenery, but as a sacred place where only certain people who allowed to get there.

But the mountaineering activities these few years become very attractive for young generations in Indonesia. The question is, why?

Maybe I am just guessing because I am no longer into this activity for years, so I think I would just analyze from my observation on social media and from the people around me.

When I was into this activity, I realized that I changed so much from my start point to my last standing point. To be honest, I did mountaineering to conquer the mountain peak, which actually became my curiosity from my childhood life. My grand grand-mother lived on the mountain base of Merbabu. I could say that just following the first people who did mountaineering, I just filled my curiosity about got on the mountain peak.

Later on, the interest to do summit attack vanished away because I’ve been there for times and moreover, I was more enjoying the journey itself, not the highest point it served. The change also came to the seeking of value to do mountaineering. I didn’t think that those all not about conquer the mountain, but to dive to its deepest valley, its heavy rain forest, or it’s long winding roads. Those changes changed my behavior to respond any invitation to do mountaineering.

But it was me.

As a member of pecinta alam, I don’t think that many people feel the same as me. Pecinta alam was referred as an escapism activity (I borrow my friend’s terminology). The field of activities far from our daily yet served not only a dangerous field, but it forced them to leap beyond their limits. It needed not only skills but also will. Not merely taking a journey to explore, but preparing for the worst condition.

But the changing of social media and the spreading of outdoor equipment changed the mountaineering activities too. As the pattern behavior I saw of the changing of interest began with the will to conquer, lately really became so annoying because do mountaineering far from the feeling of escapism. It became really popular and everyone was able to reach the summit, even they didn’t have any mountaineering skills.

Hence, a new question appears here. So, which kind of mountaineering that pecinta alam means when we refer our activities as mountaineering? What did differentiated us from those people who didn’t train to get their mountaineering skills?

This question might not really be answered by mountaineers. We merely enjoy our own value to do the mountaineering activities. That’s all because mountaineering is an individual seeking of value rather than a group seeking of value. It might be done together, but the effort they put on the activities was coming from the individual.

The people who were able to do mountaineering was aiming to conquer themselves and their limits. It was their individual journey to get any values they were seeking. They were not doing something wrong by doing mountaineering. Yet, it made me realized that pecinta alam hadn’t established any specific values by doing mountaineering practices.

You might question why does this differentiation is needed. Yes, as pecinta alam became an escapist activities from routines, it must be distinct from their daily; not only the environment but also the people. Hence, the more people get into this field, the more we thought that this field became a common topic, the less interested we get.

So, should we establish some specific values to differentiate ourselves with the people out there? Do we need to determine the local trajectory of mountaineering rather than following the international trajectory of mountaineering? Some organizations established their own standard of mountaineering, but some might say that it was close to militaries pattern. While pecinta alam should not be close to them. Yeah, I agree and not agree.

Yet, it is not easy to answer what’s so interesting to do mountaineering today since everybody already doing it. The navigation skill became less needed because gps is everywhere and you could use it everytime. The forest itself vanished by the land clearing practices. And journeys to the hardest mountains out there been fulfilled by many. Then, what last for mountaineers? Yeah, one thing you might be proud of is, that we could still be others companion on doing outdoor activities. As the basic, we prepared as the basic skill. If there is no one interested to improve this field, just don’t force to.