setiap pengalaman pantas untuk diingat

a brief: listener

I found out something interesting yesterday, hehe. Not a new one I guess, but after thought about it for a while, I smiled like a child.

I have a close friend (let us call as it is) who always be my listener. She is like a sister for me considering I don’t have any older sister. So, I talk about anything to her every time I got in trouble or I had something bothering my mind. She always had something to say, really wise compared to me.

In the other side, I always be a little sister in front of her. Always feel shame, low self-esteem, and really not mature.

When I got back to my secretariat, I acted totally different. Some juniors came and asked me some questions which were actually the same matter that I asked to my friend earlier. The damn part was, I answered like I am a master. Like I didn’t have any particular problems like they did.

Other time, I realised that I was too pampered to someone, but other time I acted like an older sister to anyone around.

Not only me, finally I knew the truth. Even my friend,  she always had that one person in her life to complain about everything happen to her life, just like I was doing to her. She merely played her roll on others lives. She may become a normal human being who had problems too, to one person, but acted totally different in front of others.

So, I concluded that, people has more than one package of personalities. Sometimes you become a mature person like acting calm, positive, wise, etc., but other time you are a little child in front of someone. Sometimes we seek for others attention by texting them or try to talk privately.

And there, made us looked cool in front of some people, normal in front of another, and merely ‘someone else’ for the rest.

Aaaand, in line with that, I think I know how does our social media take part in this matter. I observed that if someone talked too much in their social media, maybe they don’t have ‘that someone’ in their lives. Opposite with that, the person which never complain in their social media possibly already have a forever listener in their lives. It could be their family member, a lover, a friend, a relative, maybe a diary, or even a pet.

But I like to have more than a package of personalities. It is really useful in some occasions.




I guess you all ever saw this picture before. Really popular I think, and many people (even myself) said yes to it. But let’s keep it for the last paragraph, hehe.

Let me once again make a self-reminder about how this life is going today and after.

Recently, I am practicing smiles so much and even talking so many things to myself. I found out that practicing smile was totally fun. I mean, sometimes we never realized how do we look in front of many people we talk to. We never pay any details in our own face because we are the one who would never see ourselves talking, and so practicing in front of the mirror is the best thing I could choose.

Wow, posting in English is so addicting.

I remember then, someone that I followed on Twitter once said: “oh, our country’s future is so bright that the citizens are happy according to their social media”. That was ‘something’.

Remembering my own past when I was jealous to everyone that I met (there were times I was a girl like that), I begin to think that indeed not only me who did the same to everyone they’ve met. Sometimes we evaluate too often about ourselves that we finally found out what we hated so much about ourselves. On the other side, we met that perfect person like the one we’ve ever imagined so we somehow blamed ourselves because of that weakness.

The truth was actually we all have ‘that part’ that we hate about ourselves. For example, the funniest girl I ever met were actually wanted to be a person who talked less and behave more elegant (?). The other serious woman said that she was too serious as a person so that she always afraid if someone might be misunderstanding her because of it. Another person maybe never commenting on that kind of things, but I caught that she also kepo-ing my other friends’ account yet not because she wasn’t worried all these long but she was just so good in hiding her feeling.

Sorry to only mention woman here, because I am a woman too. Also, I think I still believe that man has a different way of thinking.

Not to generalize all the women, because I know some of you have already realized this matter earlier, but there are many others who still think that she was the one who is not perfect.

Turn to be a more motivated blog I guess, but I don’t mean to because once again this is more like a self-reminder. I’m not often being motivated by myself, sometimes need someone to be a figure so that I could study about her/his personality; which one is compatible with myself and which one isn’t. And don’t worry because you don’t have to agree with me, hehe.

The funny thing is the more I think about it, the more I realized that maybe no one who was really satisfied with their lives. Everybody complaining about something. We often stumbled upon something we’ve missed in the past or the chances we haven’t get on that moments.

I haven’t succeeded doing something, but as the new year came, I believe chances will come again. And I put some resolutions this year as I’ve mentioned before, to motivate me to be a better person since I’ve been very grateful for my last year progress, hehe.

So, what was the topic?

As we could remember ourselves, we have that much time doing some fun with friends, right? Young people have so many things to do and really never got tired and felt like you could do anything in this world. And then you realized that you don’t have any money to afford something that you wanted; stuff you wanted to buy, places you wanted to visit, etc. Growing up, you promised yourself to make some money so you can do want you couldn’t do before.

And finally, we are here, in the age of employee era for most of the people. Some people finally could make their wish come true as they get enough salary from their job, so they had some fun. But we often need to spare some specific time to take a vacation. Other time you worked harder to get more money so you could spare more time or do some special occasion.

But we hardly appreciate the free time. Sometimes felt like something’s missing when doing nothing for a whole day long or more. Maybe because we think we should have done something to make more money or doing something important.

Oh no, what am I talking about? Hahaha.

That’s not me, and maybe not you. I hope we would never be too flat living this life because there are so many chances out there that you still could be like other people without stuck in a boring workspace.

The last time I got home my father asked me about getting a proper job, I just smiled at him. Sometimes we are too busy thinking to be like others, wanted to be able affording something, but we couldn’t. But living a slow-motioned life may be good for health; we’ve been racing too fast today, living a life we may be not compatible with.

And, to finish this random post in this new year, I suggest you read some novels you never heard before. That’s fun. Pardon my mistakes, bad language, and unstructured post. Heu.



Fyi, actually the original writing has erased away the hell I didn’t know why. Repeating the same writing is quite uninteresting, but this is one of some that I intended to write. So I begin and once again try to build my interest. Please enjoy.

“What’s your future plan?” Mas Akoh asked me yesterday. A simple question, yet I don’t have an answer except smiling at him.

Quite mysterious, this ‘future’ that we talk about. Many people try to make some plans in their life and do everything to make it come true. But to say, I really don’t have any particular plan recently. Like the life after my master study will be really unexpected I think. Maybe having a future plan is not bad, and indeed not bad, but I just thought that everything ahead is a total uncertainty.

Today we are heading 2018, really close, you see? Being this far from my starting point, I always wonder the paths I’ve been through, and so do you, don’t you? I did my reflection session these days, to everything that lingered in my mind yet my future plan (look, I talk about future, hehe). But I found that recalling my previous future plans is more interesting.

So, I scrolled down some of my social media; asked myself why did I erase some accounts, why did I write those writings, how was my feeling at the moments, what was going on that time, what problems that disturbing my mind that much, and sooo many other questions that made me smiling all day long. Studying myself is so addicted. I found out that sometimes I was a strong-hearted-girl, other time I was that weak yet totally make me feel disgusted. But processing is a unique phase of life.

Back to this future plan, I guess I try to make one for my next year and maybe for some following year. I get to finish my master study (been 3 semesters there and I should have begun my thesis but not yet), planning a more serious business plan so I decided to join with a partner maybe next month, once again start to design a house (or a home?), and last, choosing the best job that I could get and to go through.

I saw a film yesterday, about future prediction when finally there is no baby born on Earth. So many films nowadays try to prefigure our (I mean all human beings) lives. The destruction of environment is being viral in the last decade, so many peoples and NGOs take place in the environment campaign, many friends getting in the environment studies, the food security issues are everywhere, the contaminating water is so worrying, the melting ice became the main issue of global warming, and so on.

People who care enough about future life then began to reduce their waste practices, maybe started farming in their small yard, consumed less fast food, changed to eco-friendly products, and even taught their children to be more careful to the surroundings, or they even didn’t want to have a child! Besides, there were a lot (really a lot) of people who still didn’t really care about everything they’d consumed, the trashes they’d thrown away, and simply thought that trashes were government’s problem and we didn’t have to think much about it.

But not to judge too much, I am not that zero-waste person today. Still producing trashes by buying packaged food and other products. And yeah, packaged foods produced sooo many trash, and sadly we kept buying it, hehe. Yet, being at home (I mean not going out too often) really reducing the trashes production as I’ve been experiencing these days. Going to a restaurant or ‘warteg’ which was serving meals in plates and glasses, avoid to use straw or something similar actually made me felt better. Yeah whether I was not really reducing the global trashes production, but still, I felt something.

I am amazed at some person who really doing that zero waste lifestyle which looks very exclusive yet hard to do. Actually not really hard, remembering that we have traditional markets which are good because they don’t use plastic that much on the product, but the sanitary products really making it difficult. About a year and a half before I began to use handmade soap which was not packed in plastic. Felt good (I mean the soap), but quite expensive that I couldn’t afford it anymore. So I began to use the general products that could be easily found in markets, hehe.

So, talking about future not merely talking about ourselves, but we have those home works to think about. Begin with ourselves is the best way I think. Some people really pessimist about it, but somehow, I have believed in human behavior. Instead of becoming care about nature, they actually will care about themselves. That’s why when something happens to their life stocks, they’ll act. Cliché, but still, I see future in it.

Just one thing that I worry about, I hope there will be no one who’d say ‘It’s too late to act’.

Aww, this is going further, hehe. Pardon me, and let’s go back to my future problem.

Again, the more serious future plan will make up after I getting married (and it seems like, errr, don’t have any idea yet), or the day I finally make a final decision about where do I want to spend my entire life. After that, planning something about life looks easier and I hope it is not too delusional, hehe. future is all kind of mystery that you could imagine.

Last, sorry for have been repeating something I’d said before. For the one who was just stumbled upon this page, congratulation because you finally found my world. Welcome!


saying I love you

The three simple words that changed people’s lives a lot.

To begin, I must say sorry to once again mention this matter here. But just like every time I posted something related to feeling, I feel sooo melancholic. Huehe. And not to avoid the fact that I am that melancholic girl, let me continue this topic as far as I could go.

Begin with the suicide news of a boy band member in Korea, Jonghyun (I bet you know this name), the fact that one of my juniors had been telling me about her romantic life two days ago, and of course my experience of life itself, I gathered some information that I needed to write this post.

Love has much meaning according to the person who meant it. Maybe some said that love is actually something bla bla bla (like what I’m gonna do) but practically, people gave the meaning according to their will. That was why the impacts always take shape differently person by person. As you could see also in every song which contains the word ‘love’, they scripted something differently per song.

Some said that ‘heart is just like a wheel’, or they want to ‘tell me that you love me’, but ‘when you love someone just be brave to say’, and thousands of love songs that you could find everywhere and every time you want. From the one who mocking it, or awing it, or takes it as nothing, or whatever you want to call it, there was always someone who does.

So, no need to redefine the meaning of it in the exact same way as others. You define yourself.

But wait, this is not what I want to talk about.

I thought so much about the depression matter which was being viral these days. People started showing their depression symptom to everyone through their social media or telling some friends about their problems. But what I saw back then was that people around me who once told me about it never tried to overcome their problems so they could move away from the depression itself. Besides, they tried to make other people felt pity for them so they could lean on that one or more persons to always become their listener like almost all the time. Not always bad as far as they’ve got an agreement together.

Some people could be very depressed over their lives. Self-blaming behavior is one of some that drives the depression mostly. I may don’t know much about psychology (I haven’t read the Freud’s psychoanalysis yet), but I experienced that everything actually came from ourselves. People always blame themselves and felt unwanted in their sphere. They felt alone all the time. But this was the actual problem, we forgot that we do live alone.

There are many reasons that deepen their depression more than others. They may have childhood traumas or some permanent illness inside them, or else. Some cases sometimes seem very simple compared to the other one, but don’t be tricked because the may have deeper depression symptom.

After all, some people tried to ‘rescue’ the sufferer by telling them that they are loved, or else, some sufferer thought that being in a romantic relationship could get them away from the symptom. It wasn’t that simple to be rescued with those three words, I-love-you. Loving is a hard feeling. It takes more than just words to make it true. Being loved is kind of acceptance for some (for me too). Again, the problem is it wasn’t that simple.

Before you said ‘I love you’, you have so many things to think about. That was why sometimes I feel a little scary to tell someone that I love her/him. A feeling may disappear, and it possibly would be. You could feel wrong after saying ‘I love you’ to others. Not every person could accept the changing of your feeling, especially the faded of love (sadly it often happen). They may think that they were being left behind and it may deepen the depression, once again.

It may be hard (very hard indeed) encouraging yourself to love yourself soo much that you don’t ever let anything destroy you or manipulated your whole mind. We basically standing alone all these time, and for the rest of our lives. The people around only help us as a self-reflection or a reminder.

I’ve got no idea helping others’ depression except telling them to get up and take a big step in their lives. A cliche suggestion of course, but when you understand it, you might survive for the rest of your life.

On the other side, I did think so much about this. It was hard to pick someone before you say ‘I love you’ to her/him. You need to analyze the feeling first before mistaken it, the impact, and what might happen in your life after. But yeah, as I finally believe recently, to tell someone that you love her/him is about realizing that you’ve loved yourself too.

So girls, before you’ve done with yourself, I recommend you to keep it as a secret so that a woman become woman.


ps. I don’t want you mistaken me as a depression sufferer in the past because I didn’t.

this year

It’s been a week since the last post. Having some topic to write but I didn’t intend to. Yeah, but finally I wrote some, right?

Here we arrived at our last days of this year. I was surprised remembering there were so many things happen this year. Quite busy until November and have been doing nothing since then except watching movies, updated to some new things (gadget stuff, apps, news, school things, etc), read some novels, and once again built my enthusiasm on crafting. Leaving the craft business made my working rhythm being forgotten by the hands. I was turning 25 last March and had a turning point too (?) in the middle of this year. Maybe I didn’t really have some year resolutions but I think I’ve made some without I realized.

Beginning this year, I traveled to some places. I spent some time in Bandung and Jakarta, then leaving to Paninggaran doing the small research with my juniors. That was the first time doing anthropological research and quite fun. The place was really beautiful that I never got bored to look around. Getting home on the last day of the holiday and the next day the new semester started over right away.

It was my best semester I guess. I attended some class which required me to discuss, discuss, and discuss like never-ending discussion, having presentations in front of my friends and lecturers, and in the last day of school, we had so many words to write. Actually not really fun when it was happening, quite stressful with the papers, but after all, I finally made it. Hehe. Finished my semester, I intended to apply for some scholarships but sadly I missed the chance. But I was okay with that though. I turned to be a not-so-much-competitive person like before. Just thought that ‘how this world worked was just like that, and so, don’t complain.’

I traveled to Madiun for three days with my friend before finally decided to take my semester off and going to Papua, the place I never imagined before even after many people talking to go there. That was a sudden decision actually just because I got no plan for the half-year end while I’d missed the scholarships, my friends were leaving too, and yeah, maybe a little escape was good for my mind.

I would not tell the whole stories because I did many things from the day I formally joined the program until finally got home, but the best part was that I met so many friends and people, and had to accept that a farewell is a must sometimes. My best friend got home already and don’t have any idea when will we meet again, haha. Besides the problems I got in the program, so much fun I had back then. Experiencing another living space and environment, mode of transportations, and so on. I was able to take flight to Kimaam, one of many places there and really interesting to be there. Kimaam had some colonial historical buildings and been changed by colonial government years ago. They grew rice and farming since the arriving of them and even now they developed their farming methods by themselves.

luckily I could attend the 40-days-after-death ritual

the sasi ritual on airport conflict

the runway

the port

Of course I missed many because of the program; I couldn’t attend my friends’ wedding (even some close friend!), couldn’t meet another who came to Jogja on their holiday, missed some upgrading programs, and so on. A decision always brought some sacrifice (?) right?

Not aiming to look self-pity, but after all I haven’t achieved anything since then. Still spent much of my time doing anything randomly, wrote randomly, purposing nothing, but tried to always live well. Yeah, there are 9 days to go before we leave this year. Maybe next year will be greater than this one, so let’s hold on to it.


talking randomly

It is quite interesting talking about life. Why does this topic suddenly come up? Like, after all these time?

Banyak ‘seandainya’ di dunia ini. Dan saya sebel betul setiap kali kata itu mulai bercokol di kepala saya, apalagi kalau hari-hari telah begitu menganggur semacam ini. Beberapa hal begitu mengganggu sampai saya sendiri bingung menghadapinya. Well, but everything looks great and times keep moving sih.

Barangkali ada begitu banyak hal yang masuk kategori well-that’s-not-your-business-at-all, tapi bersamaan dengan hal itu tetap saja ada bisikan ‘it’s always right to think about everything’. See, perdebatan itu tiada akhir dan terus aja begitu sambil tetap melakukan sesuatu, sampai mati, sampai sudah tidak peduli.

Menggelitik sekali menceritakan tentang diri sendiri. But I realize that maybe secrets are great. Jadi, mari lanjutkan ngomongin yang lain, yang agak lebih penting.

Baru saja saya memantau lini masa twitter saya dan menemukan komentar nyinyir seseorang ke akun seorang teman saya. Hal-hal berbau nyinyir sudah bukan hal yang asing di hari ini. Nyinyir sana, nyinyir sini, bahkan tidak jarang nyinyir ke diri sendiri. Saya menyimpan beberapa kalimat menarik di dalam pikiran saya, misalnya ‘love yourself before you love others’, ‘there’s always cracks in every good plan’, and so on. Kenapa penting? Untuk menghindarkan diri sendiri dari melakukan hal-hal bodoh.

Oke, kembali ke twitter.

Tingkat kepercayaan masyarakat terhadap pemerintah ternyata begitu rendah. Barangkali itu yang bisa saya lihat dari berbagai lini masa dan perbincangan sehari-hari. Kadang kala bingung juga kalau membicarakan hal yang berada di luar diri sendiri. Tapi sebetulnya, saya pribadi masih cukup mempercayai pemerintah. Dalam artian yang paling sederhananya saya merasa bahwa pemerintah masih dibutuhkan. Barangkali ada juga cita-cita untuk membentuk munisipal-munisipal sebagaimana kata Mbak Janet Biehl, tapi saya saja belum berhasil bercocok tanam sendiri dan punya kolam ikan. Maka, agaknya saya memilih untuk tetap realistis berusaha untuk menjadi warga negara yang baik.

Kadang ada perdebatan di dalam pikiran saya, apakah mencoba mematuhi peraturan akan membuat saya tampak terlalu penurut? Satu dari beberapa kepribadian yang digemari kan? Tapi di samping itu, saya sendiri merasa bahwa itu jalan paling awal yang bisa membuktikan dampak dari sebuah implementasi. Artinya, jika sedari awal tidak ada yang berusaha mencoba dengan maksimal suatu gagasan atau konsep, sulit sekali membuatnya berhasil atau bertahan. Bahkan untuk bisa ke tahap evaluasi aja belum tentu bisa maksimal.

Begini, saya pikir penting untuk menyimpan kritik dan protes setelah melaksanakan semua kewajiban dengan baik. Banyak contohnya, dan agaknya saya tidak perlu membicarakan panjang lebar soal contoh. Demikian, jika ada sebuah konsep atau gagasan baru yang dapat kita upayakan untuk akhirnya mampu menampung hal-hal yang akan kita kritisi, sangat baik untuk bisa mencerna terlebih dahulu bagaimana prosedurnya. Penting juga lagi-lagi, untuk selalu mengecek argumen pribadi mengenai hal yang akan dikritisi.

Semua persoalan kiranya adalah sebuah keterbelitan yang rumit atas berbagai aspek yang ada. Oleh karenanya, inti persoalan akan sulit untuk dilihat jika hanya mengandalkan satu aspek saja. Contoh yang sedang heboh; banjir Jakarta. Tapi di samping itu, karena berpikir itu membutuhkan proses, lebih-lebih sinkronisasi, maka barangkali ketika sebuah sintesa ditemukan, persoalan telah jauh meninggalkan. Demikian, hal yang praktis dan segera selalu menjadi pilihan yang menarik. Akhirnya juga, hal-hal itu sifatnya hanya menjadi sementara saja.

Beberapa persoalan lain yang mampir ke pikiran saya adalah soal proses daur ulang sampah. Sekiranya, saya harus meminta maaf terlebih dahulu karena saya masih belum menjadi orang yang cukup concern dengan permasalahan sampah ini, dan belum melakukan apapun atas semua ide di dalam pikiran. Tapi, satu hal yang saya garis bawahi soal pengelolaan sampah, saya pikir ada beberapa miskonsepsi soal mendaur-ulang.

Begini, harus kita pahami betul bahwa segala hal yang ada di dunia ini dimulai dari bumi dan segala isi perutnya. Kadang hal itu membuat saya berpikir sebaliknya, barangkali semuanya kemudian juga dapat dikembalikan lagi sebagai simpanan sumber daya ke depannya. Gagasan ini, saya yakin sekali sudah pernah dipikirkan oleh ilmuwan. Hanya saja saya belum menemukan pembahasannya.

Barang pertama yang dihasilkan dari raw material adalah barang berkegunaan yang kita gunakan sehari-hari. Ada beberapa proses daur ulang yang banyak kita jumpai. Barang>sampah>barang>sampah>dst, atau raw material>barang>sampah>raw material>barang>sampah>dst. Sampah besar, misalnya sampah kapal dikembalikan menjadi raw material dan sekali lagi dapat digunakan untuk segala jenis kebutuhan dengan bahan yang sama. Barangkali kualitasnya menurun, namun keberadaanya membuat siklus itu sekali dapat diulang dan barangkali juga, dapat mengurangi kebutuhan raw material yang harus diambil dari perut bumi.

Namun proses daur ulang yang marak diperbincangkan adalah membuat kerajinan daur ulang, beritanya marak dimana-mana loh. Namun sayang sekali, bagi saya yang begitu hanya menunda statusnya sebagai sampah, atau sekedar memindahkan sampah itu ke tempat lain (ke derajat yang lebih tinggi). Oleh karenanya, hampir tidak pernah saya membeli barang semacam itu kecuali kertas daur ulang. Hal yang demikian membuat saya yang berpikir dapat mengganti fungsi kerudung tidak terpakai saya menjadi kantong barang urung saya laksanakan. Lebih karena saya merasa bahwa potensinya menjadi sampah jauh lebih besar dibandingkan tetap saya gunakan sebagai kerudung.

Mungkin juga karena saya telah terlalu berpikir industrial, saya kira mendaur ulang di skala kerajinan tidak akan memberikan hasil yang kita idamkan. Mengurangi jelas, hal itu tidak saya ragukan. Tapi untuk membangun cita-cita yang lebih tinggi soal manajemen sampah, barangkali mulai berprinsip untuk mengurangi sampah apapun atau tidak membiarkan sampah keluar dari rumah adalah gagasan yang jauh lebih meyakinkan.

Lagi-lagi, saya memang baru sekedar membicarakan ini di sini. Saya pribadi belum lagi menghitung berapa besaran sampah yang saya hasilkan setiap harinya, atau memastikan bahwa sampah-sampah tersebut berhasil saya kelola secara mandiri. Jujur saja, sulit sekali menjadi konsisten perihal sampah ini. Kadang saya bahkan lebih yakin untuk membakarnya saja dibandingkan membuangnya ke tempat sampah umum.

Apakah energi yang dibuang dan karbon yang dihasilkan untuk membakar sampah jauh lebih besar dibandingkan energi yang dibuang dan karbon yang dihasilkan dari mesin daur ulang untuk mengolah jumlah sampah yang sama ditambah metana dari hasil pembusukannya?

Pertanyaan itu sering saya pikirkan, tapi selalu tidak saya niatkan untuk sungguh ditanyakan, dihitung, dan dipastikan sendiri, hehe. Barangkali ada yang mau membantu saya?

Bermodal pertanyaan itu, seringnya saya jauh lebih pede membakar sampah daripada membuangnya ke penampungan sampah. Ah, tapi mari merencanakan pembuktian hipotesis ini, nanti.

Hemm, cukup banyak ceracau malam ini. Jadi, saya cukupkan ya, biar ndak bosan.


words, feelings

Sitting here in the middle of the night, I suddenly miss you.

I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while. (Haruki Murakami)

Sometimes words felt so real that I thought everybody on this Earth had been ever felt the feeling I  felt. But then I realized that words merely words, and not more than that. Other time, I knew that through words, we tried to make the world understandable from time to time, we learned to exchange information between people.

I want to see what will happen next. I want to feel more about myself and everything around. I want to learn how to be a human by keeping contact with another human. I want to make sure that life always worth to be through.

So, instead of being worried about everything, I try to be sure that heart will be fine no matter happens. The traps of ‘what-if’ stuff, the dreams of unidentified scenario, the fears of unexpected surprise, and so on, were like dark clouds above the sea of feelings.

Heu, sometimes the human heart is so fragile that needs a warm hug to get rid of the storm inside.


Mother and her ID card

This is a story about my mom on her last flight to Jakarta. I did not know about her activities actually, but making jokes about our stupidity is so common in my family. Just like when you and your friends joking around about life, that’s how we did it too.

I visited my sister last night, we have some chatters about what was happening in our life recently. My sister suddenly remembered about the story because my mom needs to go to Jakarta again by tomorrow.

Oke, mari cerita dalam bahasa campur-campur aja deh ya.

Jadi perlu saya ceritakan personality background masing-masing tokohnya. Yang pertama adalah ayah saya yang anti hand phone. I’ve got no idea about this anti-hand phone behavior that my dad has. Pokoknya ayah saya tidak dapat dihubungi kecuali melalui ibu saya. Segala urusan jarak jauh dengan ayah saya hanya bisa dikomunikasikan melalui ibu saya atau, silahkan berkunjung langsung ke rumah kami. Intinya begitu lah ya. Saking ribetnya urusan ini, ibu saya sampai harus masuk ke semua grup ayah saya, pun ibu saya hafal semua rekan ayah saya dan urusan-urusan yang berhubungan dengan ayah saya.

Ibu saya tipikal orang yang entah bagaimana adalah orang yang selalu berusaha well-prepared. Somehow I just realized that I do copy her so much about these personality stuffs. She is quite ambitious about everything (just like me, right? Hehe), and so she had several things to do about her job. Karena ibu saya orang yang well-prepared, beliau cukup sukses menjalani karirnya menjadi guru. Ya begitulah singkatnya.

Kakak saya sementara itu, adalah orang yang cukup ceroboh dalam berbagai hal. Namun demikian, orang ini yang saya kira paling progresif di antara kami yang tiga bersaudara. Kakak saya tidak pernah menjadi anak yang terlalu menonjol, but he did something, quite big to be remembered by people around him. Tapi kecerobohannya menjadi hal yang selalu ditandai oleh ibu saya.

Di hari itu, ibu saya sudah diantarakan pagi-pagi sekali oleh kakak saya ke bandara. Ketika mau check-in, ibu saya baru tahu kalau ia membutuhkan KTP dan ibu tidak membawanya! Tidak ada kartu identitas yang dibawa oleh ibu saya.

Asal tahu saja, jarak rumah kami ke bandara sejauh 30 km, dan jarak itu dapat ditempuh paling cepat 45 menit tanpa macet berlebih.

Ibu saya dalam kepanikannya sebetulnya berusaha menelepon ayah saya. But sadly my dad got no cellphone. Jadi, ibu menghubungi teman-teman ayah saya melalui grup whatssapp dan begitulah kabar itu sampai ke ayah saya. Sementara ibu saya tidak yakin dengan pesannya ke ayah saya, ibu meminta kakak saya yang juga sedang mengajar untuk pulang ke rumah. Dua orang ini harus menempuh minimal 15 menit ke rumah saya. Anehnya kedua orang ini tanpa koordinasi sama-sama kembali ke rumah untuk mencari si ktp dan berusaha membawakannya untuk ibu saya.

My dad win the battle, demikian kakak saya kena zonk waktu sampai rumah. Menurutnya itu kesia-siaan yang konyol. Dengan heroik ayah saya mengantarkan si ktp ke bandara dengan kecepatan tinggi. Intinya ayah sampai tempat waktu di bandara dan berhasil mengantarkan ktp ibu saya.

The funny part is that my mom accepted the ID card and said nothing to my dad. Literally not a word. She took the ID card and rushed to the check-in counter.

My sister busted out of laugh the first time she heard the story, just like I did a while ago. My dad had been that nice guy since I knew him. Of course, there is another time he wasn’t like that, but most of the time my dad became so lovely guy.

Ada waktu-waktu semacam ini yang membuat saya sering memikirkan how is it, to have my own family? Bukan hal yang sungguh-sungguh touchable buat saya, ada jarak yang entah sejauh apa antara realita, pikiran, dan imajinasi semacam itu.

But then, I was questioning (like again and again, it was never ending) about ‘what is love’. The more I think about it, the more I couldn’t understand the answer I seek, or what do I actually want.

People said that love and marriage are different, like something distinct to each other. But somehow I believe that we have to define it in the way we believe in ourselves. I mean, if I do believe that love needs to take part in the marriage stuff or else, why not? There are thousands of people who got married yet they all didn’t have same stories. So why bother to have one that is mine?

But yeah, I thought I’ve left it without any expectation. So, cheers!


Munisipalisme Libertarian

Mari membahas sebuah buku yang akhirnya mampu saya selesaikan setelah sekian lama teronggok ketika saya sedang ada di lapangan. Anehnya, saya justru merasa jauh lebih mudah memahami si buku dalam perjalanan saya dari Bandung ke Jogja dengan menggunakan kereta. Padahal di awal saya mencoba memahaminya, saya bisa beberapa kali membaca satu paragraf yang sama tanpa memahami maksudnya. Hal semacam itu sering terjadi ketika membaca buku sih, hoho.

Tidak dapat dikatakan sebagai buku yang mudah untuk dipahami. Ada beberapa bagian yang menurut saya cukup sulit untuk mampu saya bayangkan atau saya pahami lebih dalam. Beberapa bagian lainnya terlampau mudah karena merupakan narasi atas utopia yang telah banyak dipikirkan oleh manusia di hari ini.

Ah, sebelumnya barangkali saya harus menjelaskan bahwa saya tidak akan terlalu banyak memberikan pendapat pribadi mengenai si buku. Dalam artian, beberapa pendapat yang akhirnya saya utarakan di sini merupakan pendapat yang sedikit banyak berada di luar buku tersebut. Mungkin. Beberapa kutipan yang menurut saya cukup penting akan saya sajikan sebagaimana adanya tanpa adanya penambahan dan pengurangan. Pun saya akan membiarkan saudara-saudara pembaca memberikan tanggapannya masing-masing untuk diri Anda sendiri.

Bagaimanapun anehnya sebuah narasi, utopisnya sebuah gagasan, atau bentuk ketidakmungkinan lain yang mampu ada seharusnya patut kita pikirkan terlebih dahulu sebelum kita memberikan penilaian atau justifikasi terhadap hal-hal tersebut.

Sebelum melangkah ke sana, saya pikir saya perlu sekali memberikan cerita mengapa saya sampai membaca buku ini.

Ada waktu di mana saya memikirkan secara penuh mengenai kehidupan yang dijalani oleh manusia-manusia di seluruh dunia di hari ini. Dibandingkan mengganggap bahwa dunia ini telah berada di bawah rezim pasar secara menyeluruh, saya lebih suka mengganggap bahwa kita masih berada dalam posisi transisi. Artinya, tidak semua yang ada di sekitar kita merupakan produk-produk kapitalis, dan jika kita lebih suka menganggap bahwa semua yang berasal dari kapitalisme adalah hal buruk, maka harus saya katakan bahwa kemudian, semuanya menjadi tidak sepenuhnya buruk.

Kadang karena begitu dekatnya seluruh hal dengan kapitalisme, segalanya menjadi seolah-olah bersifat kapitalistik, contoh yang paling penting barangkali adalah teknologi. Bagi saya sendiri, teknologi adalah hal yang sebetulnya berdiri sendiri. Namun di hari ini teknologi begitu identik dengan modern, sementara modern identik dengan industrialisasi dan akhirnya rezim pasar. Padahal, teknologi adalah hasil dari buah pengetahuan manusia sehingga ia bukan merupakan hal yang berada sepenuhnya di bawah kapitalisme.

Di hari ini, kadang saya merasa bahwa seolah-olah, ketika membahas upaya untuk menyingkirkan kapitalisme, orang cenderung mengarah untuk kembali ke cara hidup tradisional yang selama ini dilalui oleh nenek moyang kita. Seolah-olah masih menggunakan teknologi sama halnya mendukung kapitalisme itu sendiri. Tapi tunggu dulu, teknologi ada sejak dahulu meski dalam bentuk yang masih jauh dari praktis dibandingkan hari ini.

Masyarakat hari ini telah mengembangkan begitu banyak hal mulai dari jarum hingga kapal induk misalnya. Semua penemuan adalah pengembangan teknologi dari yang lampau. Benar, teknologi adalah bagian dari kebudayaan, dan karenanya seharusnya ia merupakan hal yang terlepas dari bayang-bayang kapitalisme.

Saya pribadi sering kali merasa bersalah ketika diskusi untuk mengkritik kapitalisme namun masih menikmati dan barangkali yang juga menghidupi kapitalisme itu sendiri. Semua hal yang sebetulnya menyamankan hari-hari saya adalah hal-hal yang menghidupi kapitalisme. Namun lagi-lagi, teknologi bukanlah kapitalisme, pun ekonomi. Oleh karenanya sebetulnya mengapa saya harus merasa bersalah dengan semua hal yang saya nikmati?

Barangkali selama ini sebetulnya saya mencampuradukkan segala hal berbau modern sebagai sesuatu yang identik dengan kapitalisme. Atau, saking seringnya verba itu digunakan, saya jadi sering keliru memahami kapitalisme itu sendiri.

Ada dua hal yang tidak saya suka dari kapitalisme, pertama soal eksploitasinya, yang kedua soal ketimpangannya. Untuk masalah kepraktisan, oke lah saya memang menganggap bahwa kapitalisme itu enak banget loooh. Tapi dua hal tadi membuat saya gregetan namun susah juga kalau tiba-tiba ditodong solusi.

“Sebagai pengganti masyarakat shopping mall, kita harus menyusun masyarakat terdesentralisasi, yang di situlah ‘rumah’ kita, lokal kita, menjadi seotonom mungkin semampu kita. Kita harus membangun pabrik-pabrik lokal yang menggunakan alat-alat sederhana. Kita harus menciptakan koperasi-koperasi loka, seperti kerjasama pangan. Kita harus bercocok tanam untuk pangan kita sebanyak mungkin. Kota harus membuang uang jika kita bisa dan mengadopsi barter atau alternatif pembayaran. Komunitas-komunitas lokal yang mampu memenuhkan kebutuhannya sendiri mungkin akan bisa bertahan, di luar arus utama masyarakat. Perlahan-lahan komunitas-komunitas tersebut akan berkembang-biak menciptakan masyarakat manusiawi yang ramah lingkungan.” (hal. 152)

“… munisipalisme libertarian berupaya memperkuat kembali tingkat lokal, ia juga menilai kemandirian terisolasi sebagai sesuatu yang tidak sempurna dan menyedihkan.” (hal. 153)

“Tanpa ekonomi kapitalis, yang tuntutan ‘tumbuh dan mati’-nya merupakan kekuatan utama di balik krisis ekologi, warga akan bebas untuk membangun kembali ranah sosial mereka sepanjang batas-batas ekologis. Kota-kota besar secara fisik dan secara institusional bisa didesentralisasi. Kota kecil dan pedesaan dapat diintegrasikan ke dalam sebuah keutuhan tergabung dan konflik historis di antara mereka akan terhapuskan. Bahan bakar kotor pasti akan dihilangkan, digantikan dengan sumber-sumber daya energi yang bersih dan dapat diperbaharui, bahkan dalam produksi pabrik. Dunia non-manusia tidak akan lagi dipahami sebagai dunia yang penuh dengan kekurangan, sebagaimana kapitalisme menganggapnya seperti itu saat ini—dengan terlalu sedikitnya sumber daya yang mesti diperjuangkan demi dominasi satu terhadap lainnya—melainkan sebagai dunia produktivitas dan kemajuan evolusioner menuju keberagaman dan kompleksitas.” (hal. 212)

Kutipannya cukup segitu aja ya, sudah cukup menggambarkan sih. Kayaknya lho yak.

Janet Biehl melalui Munisipalisme Libertarian sebetulnya berupaya untuk mewujudkan demokrasi yang benar. Menurutnya, politik hari ini telah melenceng terlalu jauh dari semangat politik yang sesungguhnya. Personal is political, akhirnya saya memahami maksud dari kalimat ini. Sepanjang buku itu, Biehl mencoba memberikan gambaran bagaimana cara mewujudkan munisipal-munisipal itu sehingga kita akan hidup di dalam dunia yang lebih demokratis dan adil, tanpa adanya negara. Terdengar indah, memberi harapan, namun hal itu ia akui sebagai sesuatu yang utopis. Ya nggak jauh berbeda dari cara saya berandai-andai sih, namun ia menuliskannya dalam buku dengan struktur yang benar. Jauh berbeda dong dari saya.

Saya pribadi suka dengan gagasan itu. Namun sekali lagi, negara ini belum sepenuhnya kapitalistik atau sekronis itu. Ada banyak simpangan dan retakan di dalam elemen terkecilnya. Dan banyak desa di Indonesia yang merupakan perwujudan munisipal yang diidamkan oleh Janet Biehl. Dianya aja yang belum ke Indonesia kan.

Di balik gagasannya, saya pikir Janet Biehl melewatkan bahasan mendasar di bagian paling awal bukunya, yaitu soal manusia. Seluruh gagasannya mensyaratkan satu hal, bahwa semua orang harus dapat berpolitik dengan benar dan mampu memahami manusia lain dengan baik. Sayangnya, ia melupakan soal ketimpangan, bahwa manusia dilahirkan dengan kemampuan yang tidak sama. Dan bukankah hal itu memang sungguh nyata? Tanpa itu, segala gagasannya mudah runtuh karena toh akhirnya seluruh aktor di dalamnya akan merusak harmonisasi itu.

Kadang saya merasa bahwa masyarakat kota jauh lebih sakit dibanding masyarakat desa. Kita yang hidup di kota menjadi pihak dengan ketergantungan lebih tinggi, hal yang paling mendasar deh, logistik. Tanpa adanya jaringan di luar kota yang berproduksi sepanjang tahun, kita nggak akan bisa makan. End.

Jadi, sebaiknya bagaimana?

Just make sure that we’ve been doing the best that we could. Don’t blame others for not doing something like what you’ve done, they have their own parts. In case you don’t have the same belief with your friends, pray for their safety and health. Don’t judge, don’t blame.

Manis sekali kan kalimat saya? Tentu saja di balik semua ini ada begitu banyak pekerjaan yang belum saya selesaikan. Semua hal ini, dan semua tulisan sebelumnya, merely self-reminder notes rather than for others.

Ada penggusuran di Kulonprogo untuk pembangunan bandara baru. Ada kemuakkan karena perebutan sumber daya yang tidak pernah ada habisnya di hari ini. Dari waktu ke waktu kita tidak pernah kehabisan berita tentang hal itu. Dan berapa orang yang terluka dan menderita di luar sana? Banyak.

Seorang adik kelas saya pernah menulis, ‘Even if we say we love Earth, we would not be there when something bad happen to this Earth, we definitely could not do something to help. We all the 7 billion peoples are actually nothing. This Earth is all alone these whole time.’

Random yak? As always.


The Handmaid’s Tale

Saya jarang sekali membahas mengenai film. Boleh jadi saya masuk golongan yang tidak terlalu peduli dengan film, dan cenderung memilih kartun atau animasi untuk ditonton. That’s how I missed the fun part, hehe.

Tapi belakangan saya menonton film. Beberapa film. Terakhir saya menyempatkan diri menerima ajakan nonton Murder on The Orient Express, salah satu cerita karangan Agatha Christie yang paling saya suka. Btw, saya baru tahu kalau suami Agatha Christie seorang arkeolog, dan dia sering ikut si suami penelitian. There she got enough data for her story, right? Ketika saya membacanya, alih-alih menontonnya, saya begitu terpesona dengan ceritanya. Tapi ada hal yang berbeda antara membaca dan menonton film.

Dalam buku, sulit membuat ekspresi terceritakan karena proses bercerita membutuhkan waktu, sehingga ada jarak antara kemunculan ekspresi dan munculnya imaji di dalam pikiran pembaca. Readers need more imagination than how it seems. Apalagi penulisnya. Film dapat mengekspresikan citra, suara, dan momen dalam satu waktu yang sama. Buku harus melakukannya secara berurutan. Jadi, bukankan sebetulnya novel itu sangat menawan jika mengingat segala kesulitan itu?

Cerita itu mengajarkan hal yang cukup gamblang (disebut juga berulang kali dalam film) bahwa satu kejadian bisa menghancurkan banyak jiwa, dan akhirnya menimbulkan dendam. Not only happen in the film. We have that thing every day in our life. Hanya tarafnya saja yang berbeda. Hurting and being hurt is like a natural thing, but it shouldn’t be like that for God sake.

So, am I the good person here? No, I am hurting some people around me too, I have to accept. I just never heard they talked about it directly in front of my eyes.

Lalu, bagaimana si Handmaid’s Tale ini?

Jika saya masih dalam tahap ribut-ribut mendefinisikan perasaan dan sekitarnya, film ini sudah jauh beranjak ke hal yang barangkali tidak terpikirkan. Berlatar di Amerika, ketika itu bayi sudah tidak dapat lahir dengan mudah di seluruh dunia, populasi menurun karena angka kelahiran yang kecil. Beberapa bayi yang lahir tidak dapat bertahan karena kondisi yang buruk. Demi ‘menyelamatkan’ dunia, beberapa orang penting (saya lupa sebutannya apa) mengubah cara hidup mereka.

Para perempuan yang subur dan mampu melahirkan diambil sebagai orang yang akan melahirkan generasi selanjutnya. Mereka dikirim ke rumah-rumah para majikan untuk melahirkan anak-anak mereka. Sangat menarik karena mereka menggunakan kitab suci sebagai dasar berubahnya cara hidup. And they totally thought they did something good.

Tidak ada nama asli bagi para handmaid, mereka mendapat nama dari majikannya. Misal majikannya bernama Fred, mereka akan dipanggil Of-Fred (Offred). Tugas mereka sulit, ditinggikan namun bukan pemilik kekuasaan. Dan target utama mereka hanya satu, menghasilkan anak untuk majikan mereka.

Terlepas dari apapun yang terjadi di dalam film ini, saya menikmati menjadi orang ketiga serba tahu. Sama seperti membaca buku, feels like I know everything, and I can relate to anything I want. But then I realize that I am not the author either. Seperti itu juga hidup. Barangkali saya merasa paling tahu apa yang terjadi di sekitar saya, lagi-lagi, I’m not the author, I’m just a reader.

Seeing film was like learning to change our perspective. Life is not an exact phase, there are something else ahead. Something we never know unless it happen. Again, it made me thought that every time, I’m not the main actress of this life. We are the actor and actress in our own, but beyond that, we are merely someone else in anyone’s life.

“How to make somebody live forever?”

“When they are being remembered by the peoples who love them. As simple as that.”